Burbia

We are trying to get out of the apartment more with the babies. On Saturday we went to Central Park. I guess we had a picnic- we sat on a rock and split a sandwich. I guess that's a picnic. The babies slept the entire time. They missed a bunch of women stopping and ooogling over them.

Sunday we went to a friend's baby shower. They are having twin boys. I hope the boys are a few weeks away and holding off from entering the world- as mom has been a hospitalized a few times with early labor issues.

At the baby shower M and I chatted with a gay couple that moved recently with their daughter to Maplewood, NJ. A town we were (are?) considering moving to. It's a diverse town and short train ride in NYC. I was raised in Jersey but left for Wash DC and later nyc. I still have family and friends in Jersey, but no real desire to return to the state. Anyway, this woman at the shower was telling us that there were several same-sex couples with kids on their block....but it was such a big change for them. They moved out of park slope (where else?) and find it incredibly quiet.

M loves the quiet. She craves it. Me- I could use it...but usually try to drown it out with some talk radio or talking television talking head. We aren't looking for a house right now, but I guess this coming winter? Who knows. I fear feeling like a fish out of water in the burbs. Actually, I will feel like a fish in mashed potatoes....Completely out of my element. At least a fish out of water is flopping around outside his bowl and can still see fish water. When we move to burbia I fear I will drown in a sea of potato.

But- I hope I can adjust and I think aidan already wants to throw sticks in his back yard. I just get this vibe he wants to run already...his sister is still a bit more mellow and sleepy. I imagine throwing sticks and catching bugs will be in her future.

Flipping coins

Just called M to check how she was doing at home. She put up the phone so I could hear both babies screaming and said the cat was about to vomit. So, I guess all is well.

The babies are sleeping a bit more at night. Last night we got a solid straight 3.3 hours of sleep. Wow. Mairin slept for 4 hours plus. I think you are suppose to wake them up to feed. We checked that she was breathing and let her sleep. I try to make up for bad parenting by obsessively googling about plastics and BPA's. I think I can try to stop the scary odds of autism if the kids aren't sucking on plastic pacifiers or not using as much Windex. Whatever.

I usually get strange looks from people when I mention my concern about autism and that I'm leaving my job (not that I've confirmed this with employer) I'm not sure why I expected everyone to be supportive about the choice. I usually get a strange look or "really?" "Are you sure about that?" Our decision is really just a temporary thing- when we buy a house we will need 2 incomes. The responses have been surprising. Do they think I am a free-loader? Maybe M seems more like the stay at home type? Maybe people think if you have some education- why the hell would you want to care for your children? Not sure...but it's surprising.

Will Hillary or Obama just end this thing already and flip a coin? Mr. McCain is getting a free freaking pass here. And the guy is a nut (perhaps a war hero, but still a nut).

Thank You.

This afternoon I took aidan and walked to pick up M's prescription. The store was empty. The guy at the Duane Reed counter (usually it's crowded with a small cluster F with people) asked me about my son and whether I had other children. I said that he has a twin sister at home. The guy then asked me what is was like raising twins. Told him him it was kinda hard right now and that it was a treat to be outside for a few minutes. He then said, he was asking because even though he has 2 boys at home, his wife had miscarried twins a little bit ago. His wife, he shared still was having a hard time and they were always wondered what it would be like to have twins.

Jerky me said that I am sorry. Dip-shit that I am, realized how lucky I am to have this beautiful boy below me breathing. He came around the counter, and shook sleeping Aidan's hand. Nice guy. Nicer reminder.

On rare occasion I'll write something and say how hard it has been. What the hell did I think it was going to be? Suck it up lady. I don't think I'm one of those people that's constantly complaining. I'm not. But, I don't want to sound Ungrateful or not thankful. I don't want to be (or appear) as the type of person that has been handed a free shiny Volvo and now complains that the seats aren't heated. It's okay, I can roll down the windows.

Thing is - I am so thankful. I wake mairin up all the time to check that she is still breathing. And I do feel like we hit lotto and some guy in a bad suit from Albany (I guess that's the lottery headquarters?) is going to knock on our door and say it was a mistake. Maybe it's easier to complain. Sounds weird, but saying how beautiful something is harder. I would have a harder time sharing with someone in person, how amazing it is that -right now my daughter is sleeping on my shoulder and how simple and life defining that feels. Or how cute Aidan is that he is lighter sleeper and how he makes these funny goat sounds and we dubbed him -goat boy Maybe it seems corny or exposed. Hmmmmmm

One Step Up

This past week has been so freaking tiring and I get to work and leave the chaos behind for a bit. The other night M and I went to bed at 7:55 pm (scary i know). Then from around 9-1 am it was feeding time and they took turns being fussy. I told M that they shouldn't call it having Twins. We need to think of another name. Twins conjures up the t.v. ad of the double mint girls on their bikes, or "oh hey the twins are here" or cute little matching outfits. I think maybe people think Twins will eat, sleep, poop, be fussy, want to be held and cute at the same time. So, I mumbled to M that they really should call it "Having 2 new borns at the same time" and we need to think of some cute other term. She said what about "2 n.a.s.t?" No- that sounds too close to nasty. And it ain't nasty it's wonderful, beautiful, and scary. Sometimes I feel bad that I am not on cloud 9. I might be on 8. (note: that reminds of what a therapist once told me - You can have conflicting and different emotions about the same issue or person. I always remember that life tip).

One of M's sisters said to her "why is it hard? There are 2 of you and 2 of them." Gee thanks Mother Theresa for that wisdom.

I don't want to complain. It took us 3 years plus to get here. And we are here. When you are here do you know where you are going next?

I wonder if you can get post pardum hormone transference? I feel a little more emotional lately. I just played my voice mail at work and my younger brother left a message on it. It just hit me how much I miss him. He lives in Charlotte, like in North Carolina. He and his wife are about to have their second baby. Any day now.

Pictured above is mairin and Bruce. I wonder if she will like him. I know many people think he stinks. Personally, I love the man and Tunnel of Love I submit is one of the best albums. I met him once back in uh 1996 after a show in D.C. He was hot and suprisingly reallly short.

Maybe mairin will like Akon(?) or some other crap my adorable nieces listen to. I asked my older brother- "hey have you checked out your girl's ipod play list- cause there are a lot of songs about bitches and hos?" He did not seem to know that fact. And he is the Republican of the family (a good guy otherwise). Go figure.

Shaken not stirred

Who knew that you need to swirl breast milk when it's in the fridge and not shake it-like you do when getting the formula ready? This was mumbled to me around 3:06 a.m. All I know is I got a screaming baby. Whatever I can do as quickly as possible to calm him/her down that's how the food is getting served. Crummy mommy.

Oh I shouldn't complain. I love them...but wow they are a-l-o-t of work. We knew it would be. I think in many ways, it's easier to leave and go to work each morning. You close the door and get some time away from the constant running around, feeding, diaper changing, and comforting 2 babies. That's my position right now: Staying at home mommy-making is harder than going to work. Of course, I guess it depends on your job. Now, I'm no slacker and I think my job can be draining...but it must be hard not getting much of an opportunity to connect to all those things and people like you use to on a daily basis for many years. Like going to lunch with a co-worker, complaining about your work day, laughing at the b.s office politics, and being able to use the bathroom without waiting for someone to start crying or needing your attention. Not that M has complained about these things yet. And I am going to work each day.

I guess I am preparing myself for the adjustment. Change is hard, no matter how much you wanted it. Isn't that a line from Letter's to a Young Poet?? M reminded me the other day that my life has changed. I understand that. I think I do. Don't I??? gulp.

Above is Aidan blaming his sleeping sister for something.