Sunday

I wonder if you can grieve Love before it happens? We are ready (aside from a last minute contractor disaster-that's another story). We are ready. M can give birth soon.now.next year. But we will never be ready to feel heartbreak. I guess no one is. That's simple=that's life.

We aren't ready to feel school yard politics again. I think B.D.G is a brilliant child. Sorry- personal story. But- she is a real soul-ful child and has amazing loving parents.

I hope I don't favor our son. Anyone who knows me, probably knows I am part bravado, 2 shakes whiskey, 2 ounzes of self-doubt, 3 jiggers of guilt, plus a dose of therapy.

We should have a one year old girl. We had to terminate at 16 weeks. There was no choice. There was no saving the girl; maybe if she were a boy, we had a chance of saving him.....That' didn't work out either. It was either- die in utero or give birth to a still born daughter. ugh. We had 3 top notch surgeons looking at the deal. There was no outcome. M went to the limits of pain, testing, and uh-faith? In the end we did what was least painful. And yet it's all painful.

Maybe having a son, I can makeup for all this and the mistakes of having a different brother. I doubt it. I was a kid then and now I am just a woman waiting for 2 newborns.