Mellow Yellow

I was wrong for thinking that my entire office is filled with right wing conservatives. They aren't all conservatives, some of them are lovely supportive people...especially those who threw me a baby shower at work yesterday.

It's strange to be the only person that is out at work (at least that I'm aware). Every other place I worked was more diverse. Hanging on the walls at my last job were safe-sex posters and condoms in a candy jar on the receptionist's desk. Here, no condoms just lovely marbled halls. Oh how I miss those wacky safe sex instructional materials and k-y jelly packets for the clients.

Today I chatted with a postpartum doula about retaining her services. Cool lady ...love those Woodstock type people. She was telling me that I could try to
breast feed the babies. Uh Whaaaaaht? I heard about that...but is that strange? Anyway, the doula said that once M starts to breast feed "she will be so mellowed out just like smoking pot." Hmmmmm okay. We don't smoke weed- but I like the idea of her being relaxed/mellow.

So, I googled some articles to read on the subway ride home "Breast Feeding your adopted Baby" and such. It aint' gonna happen. It's pretty freaking hard to produce milk and the "supplemental" instruments (I could have sworn I sped thru something on attaching glass bottles to your breasts???) seems rather cumbersome. Pass the Enfamil please.

Just shoot me

We attended a newborn care class last night. There were 13 couples (including us). We were the token gays. What alternative family planet do I live on- where I am surprised that we are the only same sex couple in the room??? Earth to Me.

Surprisingly-it was my idea to attend the baby care class. M is an admitted control freak. She knows it. The last thing this non-bio mom wants to hear at 3 a.m. is how to diaper the baby or "no-no- you hold her head like this." I can picture myself screaming: "WhaaaatttttT--- Just because I didn't give birth to them- I don't know what the F$%@#$% I am doing..." Yeah still working on some issues.

The class instructor was great. She spoke to us afterwards about the twin experience. We chatted about breast feeding, bottle feeding, and the need for extra help: a post-partum doula vs. baby nurse vs. my mother vs. her sister vs. just the 2 of us.

Speaking of just the two of us....I wonder if our relationship will be the same. Or better? Or worse? I cannot imagine that it doesn't change. The other evening we attended November with Nathan Lane then had dinner out. We figured it's the last date for awhile. It was a good show. I mean it's not the Glass Menagerie or anything. Anyway, at dinner- we basically talked about babies and preparation of their arrival. The hot date days are uh over for now.

I will miss my old relationship. It is solid and supportive and loving. And- I got attention. I fear that the days of direct attention are over. I wonder if this sounds pathetic? Whatever...shoot me.

President's Day

No babies yet. I didn't really write anything either...I did but never posted it. Last week, I was in a bit of a funk. Sort of obsessed with the election and death. My future death, my brother's death and always thinking that my father was going to die before I ever had children. He is definitely (as of 5:52 pm EST) still very alive. Not sure why I convinced myself (for years now) that I would be at his funeral and he would never get a chance to see me as a mother. Hmmmm hope I'm not jinxing it.

The other evening, we went on a tour of the uptown hospital where M will be delivering. We got a glimpse of the 4,000 dollar a night suite where Gwyneth Paltrow stayed. According to the brochure, it has "sweeping views" of Central Park. Our tour guide confirmed that she indeed stayed in the suite on the 7th floor, but- could not "because of HIPAA regulations" confirm if Sylvia Plath was a high maintance patient. Not sure how she can cofirm that she stayed there. Not sure why we care. I will try to get the gossip while we are in the hospital chatting with the nurses during hours of labor. Of course, M is the focus. Maybe she will welcome the distraction of useless gossip. I doubt it. I better come up with something better to help her.

As of Friday, little girl was weighing in at about 5 lbs. 7 oz and her brother was at about 6 lbs. 6 oz. The peri told M she need not come back as everything looks great thus far. wow e wow.

This morning, the obgyn told us that M can deliver at anytime. Things look kosher at 35 weeks. Then we discussed circumcision. I wish a mohel was going to be present- at least the baby would get a drop of wine. Poor kid. If I change my mind about this- Oh- or really-once again want to examine this issue, M will roll the eyes. She isn't happy whenever she thinks we made a joint decision, and days later- while sitting around- I want to re-examine the examined issue.

ps. Not sure why death and the election is my current obession...maybe because (god i hope) new life is coming and we need a president to change this freaking place. Personally, I would vote for a candidate that made mental health issues an important part of the national discussion. Seems critical yet quasi-simple. Therapy on demand would be by platform. Oh and gay marriage....and a few other things.

Don't worry babies- this place ain't all bad. We at least still have the woods, snow-men, the ocean and popcorn.

Sunday

I wonder if you can grieve Love before it happens? We are ready (aside from a last minute contractor disaster-that's another story). We are ready. M can give birth soon.now.next year. But we will never be ready to feel heartbreak. I guess no one is. That's simple=that's life.

We aren't ready to feel school yard politics again. I think B.D.G is a brilliant child. Sorry- personal story. But- she is a real soul-ful child and has amazing loving parents.

I hope I don't favor our son. Anyone who knows me, probably knows I am part bravado, 2 shakes whiskey, 2 ounzes of self-doubt, 3 jiggers of guilt, plus a dose of therapy.

We should have a one year old girl. We had to terminate at 16 weeks. There was no choice. There was no saving the girl; maybe if she were a boy, we had a chance of saving him.....That' didn't work out either. It was either- die in utero or give birth to a still born daughter. ugh. We had 3 top notch surgeons looking at the deal. There was no outcome. M went to the limits of pain, testing, and uh-faith? In the end we did what was least painful. And yet it's all painful.

Maybe having a son, I can makeup for all this and the mistakes of having a different brother. I doubt it. I was a kid then and now I am just a woman waiting for 2 newborns.

Hell has frozen over

Yesterday I telephoned the parents to inform (half-jokingly) my mother-that if she voted for Mike Huckabee we wouldn't let her visit her grandchildren. Apparently, there may be a higher power. My mother, my very religious mother who secretly would leave religious material in my apartment, laundry bag, etc. voted for Obama. WOW. That is huge for me. What next? Maybe she will come around on the gay marriage issue. She doesn't quite get that one of the reasons I am leaving my job is that I cannot cover my partner on my health insurance. Special rights? Please.

I reluctantly voted for Hillary. The war and her vote is a disappointment (disgrace?). But- yet-I pulled the lever. Gloria Steinem wrote an Op-Ed piece in the NY Times a few weeks ago. She basically agues that Hillary is getting screwed because of her gender. I agree. We never read about Obama's hair, what he is wearing today, or if ever gets emotional. If Hillary cries- she is considered too weak. If she wears another pant suit- she is too masculine.

The Clintons have not been the most progressive leaders. But, I believe they were the ones who picked up the sword back in the early 90's for some progressive issues . The result was they were slaughtered by the Right. Whatever. I am babbling. Universal healthcare was her cause, and she paid the price. Whoever wins and beats McCain we will go to D.C. in January 09 and wave Bush goodbye.

Babies are really kicking M hard. She is sore and tired. I am always amazed at her strength....physical and emotional. She is a champ.

Fate and real estate

I think this was my last home depot visit. The contractor wanted an additional 480 bucks to put some linoelum down in the closet. Please. This afternoon I put down some tile we purchased for 25 dollars. Granted- I will never be a tile layer, but it looks better. We also had to do some re-drilling as the contractor failed to see if a hanger would fit on the poles they drilled in. It's nice to have a closet, but maybe the hangers need to be able to uh hang. Oh brother.

I bought this apartment about 9 years ago. It seriously was a crack den. I got a good price. The old owner (small child and girlfriend)lived in squalor. They left me an apartment that was in frightening shape. The guy was an ex-cop and would write his debt and strange billing on the wall (that's nothing compared to other strange findings) But- when it's closing time and you know you're getting a good deal- what's a little squalor between friends?

Anyway, if I didn't buy my private crack den (M lived in Philly at the time) for a really good price, our 2 little babies would not be at 33 weeks. I sometimes think things happen for a reason. If the ex-cop wasn't selling and moving out of NYC quickly to go to rehab AND if my friend Becky wasn't walking her dog down the street and heard an apartment was for sale at a good deal...well we wouldn't be here. M and I couldn't afforded all those ivf cycles out of pocket- unless we had affordable housing.

But it's not all Little House on the Prarie. A neighbor (who moved in after the Starbucks neighborhood explosion) wants to choke me. We are both on the co-op board. He is pissed that I suggested he ask a neighbor to turn down the music or ask someone not to sing opera after 11 pm PRIOR to calling the police. Call me nuts to think fostering a friendly environment is the way to go. Oh the drama.

Park bench

What a crappy rainy day. Luckily got a cab quickly this morning to go uptown for the growth scan. Mr. wonderful (baby A) is 5 lbs and 3 oz. He had a growth spurt from the last go around. His sister is weighing in at 4 lbs 3 oz. Sounds like I am announcing a prize fight. Anyway, they are looking good. The doctor said not to be concerned about her size as it's unlikely the boy was taking all the nutrition. M has to go back in 2 weeks to make sure the girl is growing appropriately. The ultrasound tech said the babies were all squished and getting a good picture wasn't happening today.

The tech mentioned to us that she is part of a girl-boy twin pair. Interesting. She would be the girl. She said growing up it was challenging at times, because she was better in school than her brother. And she felt pressure not to be a model student as her brother wasn't the smartest kid (her words). Hmmmm and here I thought not dressing them alike would cut down on any comparison pressure.

M is getting pretty sore and swollen. She is such a non-complainer...but is getting more vocal about being uncomfortable. This weekend we have to find her shoes she can wear. I could have sworn she mentioned clogs? Uh- that does not sound safe. I bet we will find a reasonable alternative to clogs.

We finally had the contractor guys leave after a week. Who the hell would think it would take a week to build out and organize a closet and install washer/dryer? I under-estimate the handy people. We still have stuff all around the apartment that needs to be sorted and organized. I am going to complain here: I cannot believe how long it takes to get ready to prepare for baby arrival. I am begging for some air(that isn't found in a babiesRus store). I suggested to M that we sit on a park bench up at Wave Hill (overlooks the Hudson river). We use to go there all the time after IVF weekend blood-work. It's strange when sitting on a park bench seems exciting.