The babies are starting to kick hard. Whenever I feel M's belly, and a baby kicks it feels more real. But- I cannot fully grasp that 2 additional people will be sharing our space and lives in 2(?) months. I feel like I am in a fog: this isn't happening to me, to us. The other day when we were signing up for our twins birth classes, I was checking out the baby clothes, and cute rain boots and all the other stuff. But, It doesn't seem when I touch the clothing, toys, whatever, that we are having children. Even now that I have painted a nursery, I cannot imagine babies will be in the room soon.
I do remember the tears, panic, dread, and awful loss of the last 3 years. That I could feel deeply. Those emotions, I could call mine. I would cry at work (privately), when I got a phone call that that they had to remove my ovary (cancer fear); that M's IUIs failed; that we had to lose a baby because her urthera didn't form (no urine=no aminotic fluid), and that Children's Hospital of Philly informed us that they could not operate; that the following IVF's were positive bfp at first, but Ooooops- the phone rings again and the betas went down, and suddenly now a D&C is in order.
But this part- this babies kicking part, I cannot seem to emotionally grasp it- this happiness thing. I just feel like an outsider to it. Maybe it's the absence of tears part that is hard to shake. While using the bathroom at work today, I remembered all the times at my last job that I would go in there to cry (probably not the best place), and I notice I am not crying when I use the restrooms now. Wow. A therapist, once told me to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop- like I am missing the living part of life.
This isn't to say, that I am some deep darth vader type and don't enjoy life. I do. Alot. But, maybe all the weathering has just made me a bit hesistant at trusting joy. Not sure. Damn, I gotta work this stat.
The stuff animals are put in the nursery after I finished painting. Actually, I have been instructed to paint yellow stripes on the bottom half of the walls....so more work to do.
2 comments:
wow...you've had a hard road. I think it is normal to feel skeptical. After three years of hell, you finally have a good year. The best. It must feel good to take back the bathrooms.
I was filled with two babies and it didn't feel real either. I was too scared to feel the hope and happiness and spent an entire pregnancy floating. We decked out the girls' room and painted the walls pink and filled it with stuff and I felt them move inside me and my water broke and I was admitted to the hospital and it was so not real. it wasn't until a nurse showed me one burritoed baby during the c section did I think, this is happening. It's so surreal.
I'm so excited to hear your tales in the coming months. I hope you still find time to keep this blog up once the bambinos are here.
We have 2 children. Both are under the age of 4 and sometimes I think they aren't real. When u struggle with fertility issues, it is common.
best of luck!
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