Change.bullshit

I want to throw my shoe at the television. I am watching Obama on Cspan. Mr. Change.gov is talking about changing the way we handled the last 8 years of health care, and "American families."

I guess he doesn't give a shit about my family. Exhibit A-Z: Choosing Rick Warren to give his invocation at his inauguration. Mr. Anti-Equal rights will be giving the big ole Christian prayer on January 20Th. Mr. Prop 8. Mr. I don't give a shit if you cannot PURCHASE health care for your partner come this summer.

Change DOT More Bullshit.

hey mother can you spare a dime?

My partner just asked me while watching that god-awful Grey's Anatomy (what happened to that show?) when will I update my blog? I don't have a blog. On rare occasions I go to some website and type.

The babies are sleeping right now. They do not enjoy sleeping in the thick of the night. On rare occasion they sleep all night long. Last night was a cluster$!@#$@# of them alternatively waking up and torturing me. Yes me. All about me. M doesn't grumble at getting up at 2, 2:22, 3:07, 4:02, and 4:55. Sometimes her motherly perfection makes me feel like a bad mother. I do think I swear less in the middle of the night, a touch less...maybe.

M got severed from her job last week. Oh how I wish I could write horrible things about a certain human and post her address. But, I won't. Karma baby karma. M will receive severance (with health insurance) til about June. We gotta crank out our adoption papers for the babies, otherwise they will not have health insurance after June. Oh I love this freaking nation. While I can cover my children (once formally adopted) I cannot cover my partner. Maybe just maybe by some Christmas miracle, President Obama will allow same sex marriage in this nation. hahahhahaaa not gonna happen. God, those gays are so crazy wanting to protect their families. So freaking demented we are...

leaves

Getting 4 people ready in the morning to leave the house for outside employment and school (really daycare) is beyond stressful. After not sleeping much of the nights, and having to change, feed, wrangle, sometimes change again, wrangle, comfort, sometimes feed again, dress, wrangle, dress, comfort, get stroller ready, bring stroller outside nyc walk-up steps with 2 babies in the morning is a k-i-l-l-e-r. Oh yeah, then you have yourself to get ready. ugh.

We are still looking to hire someone hopefully to start in November. zzzzzzzzzzzz. Must remember to actually interview more people in next 2 weeks.

Thankfully, we have a holiday weekend. We are heading to Vermont to see some leaves and cheese. Yeaaaaah. My plan since the collapse of the world economy is to head permanently to VT. I think we can get a nice, affordable old house. Just like Diane Keaton did in Baby Boom, we will make and sell our organic applesauce, or cheese logs or something and support ourselves. I proposed this to M and she thinks I am kidding. Sooo not kidding.

goodbye september

Goodbye September...I hate that month for many reasons. Shitty things happen in that month.

The last 2 weeks were torture. Both babies got very sick with temps reaching 104.1 Obviously, they didn't go to day care and my parents watched them for most of the week. My mother slept on the couch, while my dad traveled back and forth. For a week we were up most of the night with the sick babies, and I am an unstable witch with no sleep. I pick fights and bicker. Oh it's wasn't pleasant. To add to our fun house- our cat was vomiting all week and all over (note to self: don't change his cat food)...Then I got sick and remain pretty freaking ill. Later in the week M got food poisoning from a business lunch (note to self: remind her that putting lobster on a cob salad is bizarre and gnarly).

We both missed some work, and just when we thought they were feeling better: M hears a bark at midnight. I told her it was nothing and sounded like a hair ball. Wisely, she chooses not to listen to me. She gets up and poor aidan cannot breathe well and looks fearful. Oh a call to the doctor, midnight run to a pharmacy, as it turns out our boy has croup. It's a hot mess. We are sooooo tired. After a few days of liquid steroids he is feeling better.

Oh and we are interviewing a nanny/sitter tomorrow. Thousands for day care and in the end- you have to call in sick? We forgot to consider that little factor.

I must now go watch Sarah Palin make cringe worthy comments during the debate. In some ways I feel bad for her...

Tuesday

Our son (not pictured to the right) screamed the first few days of daycare and our mellow daughter doesn't seemed thrilled but - hey- she will go along with it (which is another source of guilt for me, but that's another story). Now, 2 weeks later they are both out of daycare for a few days because they are sick. 104 degree sick. The pediatrician doesn't seem to think its a big deal when we called today with his fever hitting 104 and hands and feet blue. Uh really?

3-4 hours a day isn't enough to spend time with your children. Two hours in the morning and if I am lucky one-two hours at night before they melt down and sleep around 7:30ish pm. yikes, yuck, and yick. I've chatted with women in the office about working out of home. The general response was: You will never feel completely guilt free. You will usually feel conflicted. Lovely.

The work day seems looooong, and I want to spring them from the holding pen around 2pm. It's hard. I want to be one of those chicks that were dying to rejoin the rat race. Must work on that career obsession feeling.

If things go as swimmingly at M's place of employment as it did over the summer- the babies might be sprung from daycare permanently. We agree that raising twins and both of us working out of the house sucks. We keep saying we will figure it out and make a plan. I guess time will tell. I think this rat will continue scurrying in the morning late for work again.

Nothing Gold Can Stay and other Bummers

Tomorrow I am back at work. Who the hell offers me a raise? A large part of me wish they didn't. The salary is decent for the public sector. yuck. Perhaps the key reason to go back- is when we finally get a larger place we need more money and me leaving the workforce when the non-profit/gov't sector is taking huuuuge cutbacks and layoffs wouldn't be prudent.

Soooo we spent the end of August checking out nanny-land vs. daycare places. We found a daycare place about a 3.7 minute walk away. The prices for daycare are insane in the membrane- like not sure if its even worth it to work??? We figured we did not want to scramble and hire a baby-sitter so we went with this place. Is it a nanny if you live on the upper east side? Anywho...we didn't have time to debate nanny vs daycare. And we didn't want to hire the first person who came in and didn't spill coffee on their shirt and therefore looked qualified (I spill coffee all the time).

My parents are watching the babes 1 day a week. They offered two days, but my parents are in their late 60's hell- lets just call them 70. And not like a hot Michael Douglas late 60's. More like they would drop dead after 2 days after spending 1.5 hours coming into the city and watching twins. We do appreciate their help. I bet they bring them to a week-day mass. whatever as long as they give them some occasional fresh nyc air.

It's our plan (will check on partner later if she agrees) that this is a temporary fix. It's our hope that one of us will stay home next year or work part-time. Actually- the way M's job is going- it might be her. All I can say is: stressful. Who the hell has to be on a conference call and check emails when you are away? We just came back from block island this weekend. I wanted to throw her blackberry in the ocean. Oh I love corporate america.

I don't want to leave the babies. Don't get me wrong- I might actually get a free moment to myself going to work. Raising twins (sure a singleton is tough too) is exhausting work. Yet I am so sad and will miss them terribly terribly terribly.

Above is a picture of a light house on block island on Thursday evening.

sleep at the zoo

It ain't Sophie's Choice. Yet I feel such dread about picking up the phone and calling the boss-man and boss-lady about returning to work. OR not. Or part-time? Or falling off a canyon somewhere out west. Whatever. The point is - I feel like any decision I (or the couple called "we")makes is the wrong one.

Just when my low-key crappy career might starting looking good- I was just emailed to speak at at a conference in Chicago (psssst I hate public speaking). But. Whatever you get the point.

I could melt when one of the babies looks at me and smiles. And I wonder- is our nanny (not that we actually have one)going to pay attention to them? Is she going to give a shit that mairin loves that blue puppy in a box thingy?? Or that our son loves to be sung to....like bad crappy songs?? Will she care? Will she drop one of them?

Sooooo just while M and are are discussing, debating, stressing about what to do- we spot this nanny sleeping outside the Central Park Zoo with boy/girl twins in the stroller. I am no Cagney or Lacey- but it was clearly a nanny and she was clearly drop dead asleep. We sat down next to her on a bench for a few minutes so we could oooogle her stroller. No- actually, so M could ooogle her stroller and she was zonked out. The twins were asleep too. I'm sure she is a lovely person and I'm sure her nanny diaries are keeping her up at late....But isn't that dangerous and a bit wrong? Yikes.

Perhaps even more upsetting is that I just purchased on itunes my first Bon Jovi song ever. Yeah, it's got to be the first. I am sure the last.

E=sahm2

I'm scared. I don't reallllly miss the rat race. Bigger problem with analyzing and grappling over: Would I rather care for my babies 24-7 vs. or am I just a work slacker????....is M wants to leave the work force and stay at home too.

That won't work. Let's do the math: 2sahm+2babies+1mortgage+lifeexpenses=nofuckinway.
So uh we got so more talking to do. M loves it when I hash everything over and over to death. This should be fun.

Our drive to Charlotte was not as tortuous as we expected. Since the little guy screams when he's in the car seat- we decided to feed, change and put them in bed in their car seats and leave NYC at 8:30 p.m. After 80 cups of coffee you too can drive thru to Texas or something. There was one strange coffee/bathroom break at 4 am in the middle of North Carolina. Some scary peeps gambling and bugs flying around. Whatever. We did not stop there on our way back in the middle of the freaking night.

I have failed to get these children on a real schedule. If they nap at the same time it's a lucky accident. Gotta work on that...stat.

Independence day

I am the worst stay at home mom to have a blog. The pits. It's my Independence Day resolution to update this thing once-in-a-freaking while. I usually create 95 entries in my head- where they remain.

Speaking of Independence Day- I realized that I am one angry American. We brought the babies to a July 4th parade on Block Island. Some freckled face kid carrying a baseball mitt and an American flag doesn't even get a cheer from me. Ugh. Trust me, I don't want our kids joining al queda, but I really don't like the flag waving. Oh I will skip this tirade. Surprisingly however, I did not gag when M dressed the babies in flag outfits. Karl Rove would be thrilled.

Above are the bambinos in their Republican gear.

Our son has broken finally kicked to death his bouncy rain forest chair. The one that has saved ME from having meltdowns. Granted I had to fake him into getting strapped down in that chair. Speaking of faking it- I use this really fake high pitched voice on aidan to get him excited about being strapped down in a chair, stroller and car seat. He hates to be confined. The screams that come out of him are scary. At times he drives me to tears. Mairin remains the mellow child. Thank god that she is soooo laid back. Maybe there is something to being "twin B."

Some people at work apparently took bets whether I would return. I enjoy staying home. Wait- I am faking it again. Enjoy is the wrong word. There are times, hours, even days that I enjoy (love?) it. There are moments or days when it's sooooo f$Q#$# hard, incredibly exhausting, and feels at times -thankless. There are no breaks. It is rare when they both nap at the same time. Must work on some schedule for feeding or napping. As of today, there are just no real break in the baby action. Where the hell is Sally Field/Norma Rae when I need her...

What I find suprising is that I catch myself wondering who the hell is this person singing to her children constantly or catch myself laughing at something one of them did. Must get over the 3 year infertility hell. I still feel a bit burnt and I wonder if that is abnormal....?

We are leaving to drive to Charlotte this weekend for my nephew's christening. I was able to secure a letter that I am a "catholic in good standing." I bet I take our lord's name in vain 18 times on the drive down. I am a bit concerned about the long drive with aidan's crying and confinement hang ups. Maybe he will fall asleep south of the mason-dixon line.

diapers, jesus, loons and ponies

M asked me when I was going to update my blog. I wonder if that is how she keeps up with my life?? Kidding. Sort-of. We don’t get the chance to spend much alone time like we use to (earth to me). One of us is always in another room washing bottles, changing a diaper, making dinner, ordering out…But it has gotten much better. The babies actually sleep for extended periods of time and I have free moments of time. It’s lovely.

Last month was busy and stressful. I am on leave for 3 months and will figure out whether I will return. We don't have concrete plans or direction. Bizarre. We will figure it out. I suppose if I wrote anything in the last month- I could have babbled about:

1. Our babies are adorable and growing.
2. In May we used approximately 600 diapers. We aren’t counting dirty diapers but we keep working our way thru the boxes that comprise hold 216 diapers. Our carbon footprint is more like a stampede of cattle. Our son, is our little metro-sexual and screams when is diaper is a bit wet.
3. The babies had their first round of shots. We decided to space out their vaccines a bit because of my autism fears. Indulge me. I do believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone and shot JFK from the book depository…
4. A crazy neighbor knocked on my door while M was at home. He told her he heard that I had twins. He then proceeded to ask her if I had "Used a Surrogate?" Oh those crazy new yorkers.
5. We met with a Catholic Priest about christening our children. Oh brother- that deserves a separate entry. The priest was sort of welcoming and said "we are all god's children." Later he did utter the words "Gay agenda...." Oh boy. Let's just say I needed some Blood of Christ after that meeting- uh, I mean red wine.
6. My loving partner thinks our children should be raised Catholic. She mentioned after the meeting with the Priest about them making their “holy communions”. Huh? I am fine lying at their baptism that we will raise them Catholics and thereby pleasing the families. But this is really a stretch.
7. Our daughter is an amazing, patient, tolerant baby and will be getting a pony. She allows me to put her down CONSTANTLY because her brother is screaming. Unfortunately, her brother screams when he is a bit hungry, wet, lonely, and is not entertained 24 / 7. I have a major guilt trip going that she is already developing an eating disorder, self esteem issues and knows that he is getting much more attention.
8. My nephew (and God son) was born and was weighing in nearly at 10 pounds. Back to jesus theme: I have no problem at his christening promising that I would raise him catholic.- it’s the parents desire. No biggie. We are driving with the bambinos down to Charlotte in July for the event. I was told that I need to secure a letter that I am a Catholic in good standing. Damn.
9. Before I left some crazy fine upstanding member of the public threatened to rub out some fellow employees. I was directly dealing with this woman and gosh, felt like we had an understanding. She left a few rambling, threatening messages and notes about “guns kill.” She also mentioned my twins in a very long voice message. Not sure what brain surgeon mentioned that I had twins to an obviously deranged woman....but I think she is harmless. Apparently she is in a psychiatric facility awaiting criminal prosecution (or slap on the wrist).
10. We had our non-denominational baptism and M and I brought them down to the ocean and got them a bit wet.

The Art of...

A childhood friend of mine told me before the babies were born that it would be "the best thing you do and the hardest thing you do." She is right. It's the best and it's hard (jury is out on the hardest question). I look at these people and still have a bit of surprise that they vibrating in their chair (thank god for that thing) or sleeping in my arms. 2 months later ya think I would get over the quasi-surprise part.

What is truly surprising is how much you have to re-negotiate: space,relationships, communication, time, career, and more. I'm not complaining. Renegotiation and redefining is part of life...Part of the old contract with The Big Man/Mamma in the sky. It's just foreign.

I hope my soon to be born nephew will negotiate his way into this world in a a safe and speedy manner this morning. I admire my sister-in-law who this past week, mangaged to meet Bill and Hillary Clinton in North Carolina while she was nearly 2 weeks over due with the baby. I'm Sorry. I know you are bummed they lost. But Hillary might need to drop out soon.

ps. My FMLA was just approved. Above is a picture of aidan trying to talk his way out of something....

Placement issues

I tried to quit (or give notice) this morning that I was leaving my job in June. It's complicated, but basically the funding for my position is being approved by some executive types in Washington. I think (sorry brain fog conversation) after the conversation with my boss -it was suggested that I request Family Medical Leave and take off 3 months...And If I don't like the salary that may be approved from Washington in July that I then make the decision in July/August whether to return in September.

Anywho, there was a conversation whether or not I would be approved for FMLA. I firmly believe I am entitled to FMLA - which allows unpaid leave for up to 3 months for the birth or "placement of a child" for adoption in the home. Hello? Since NY State allows 2nd parent adoption AND the children are firmly placed (and popping, smiling, coo-ing) I am entitled. Let them say otherwise...that would be interesting.

Burbia

We are trying to get out of the apartment more with the babies. On Saturday we went to Central Park. I guess we had a picnic- we sat on a rock and split a sandwich. I guess that's a picnic. The babies slept the entire time. They missed a bunch of women stopping and ooogling over them.

Sunday we went to a friend's baby shower. They are having twin boys. I hope the boys are a few weeks away and holding off from entering the world- as mom has been a hospitalized a few times with early labor issues.

At the baby shower M and I chatted with a gay couple that moved recently with their daughter to Maplewood, NJ. A town we were (are?) considering moving to. It's a diverse town and short train ride in NYC. I was raised in Jersey but left for Wash DC and later nyc. I still have family and friends in Jersey, but no real desire to return to the state. Anyway, this woman at the shower was telling us that there were several same-sex couples with kids on their block....but it was such a big change for them. They moved out of park slope (where else?) and find it incredibly quiet.

M loves the quiet. She craves it. Me- I could use it...but usually try to drown it out with some talk radio or talking television talking head. We aren't looking for a house right now, but I guess this coming winter? Who knows. I fear feeling like a fish out of water in the burbs. Actually, I will feel like a fish in mashed potatoes....Completely out of my element. At least a fish out of water is flopping around outside his bowl and can still see fish water. When we move to burbia I fear I will drown in a sea of potato.

But- I hope I can adjust and I think aidan already wants to throw sticks in his back yard. I just get this vibe he wants to run already...his sister is still a bit more mellow and sleepy. I imagine throwing sticks and catching bugs will be in her future.

Flipping coins

Just called M to check how she was doing at home. She put up the phone so I could hear both babies screaming and said the cat was about to vomit. So, I guess all is well.

The babies are sleeping a bit more at night. Last night we got a solid straight 3.3 hours of sleep. Wow. Mairin slept for 4 hours plus. I think you are suppose to wake them up to feed. We checked that she was breathing and let her sleep. I try to make up for bad parenting by obsessively googling about plastics and BPA's. I think I can try to stop the scary odds of autism if the kids aren't sucking on plastic pacifiers or not using as much Windex. Whatever.

I usually get strange looks from people when I mention my concern about autism and that I'm leaving my job (not that I've confirmed this with employer) I'm not sure why I expected everyone to be supportive about the choice. I usually get a strange look or "really?" "Are you sure about that?" Our decision is really just a temporary thing- when we buy a house we will need 2 incomes. The responses have been surprising. Do they think I am a free-loader? Maybe M seems more like the stay at home type? Maybe people think if you have some education- why the hell would you want to care for your children? Not sure...but it's surprising.

Will Hillary or Obama just end this thing already and flip a coin? Mr. McCain is getting a free freaking pass here. And the guy is a nut (perhaps a war hero, but still a nut).

Thank You.

This afternoon I took aidan and walked to pick up M's prescription. The store was empty. The guy at the Duane Reed counter (usually it's crowded with a small cluster F with people) asked me about my son and whether I had other children. I said that he has a twin sister at home. The guy then asked me what is was like raising twins. Told him him it was kinda hard right now and that it was a treat to be outside for a few minutes. He then said, he was asking because even though he has 2 boys at home, his wife had miscarried twins a little bit ago. His wife, he shared still was having a hard time and they were always wondered what it would be like to have twins.

Jerky me said that I am sorry. Dip-shit that I am, realized how lucky I am to have this beautiful boy below me breathing. He came around the counter, and shook sleeping Aidan's hand. Nice guy. Nicer reminder.

On rare occasion I'll write something and say how hard it has been. What the hell did I think it was going to be? Suck it up lady. I don't think I'm one of those people that's constantly complaining. I'm not. But, I don't want to sound Ungrateful or not thankful. I don't want to be (or appear) as the type of person that has been handed a free shiny Volvo and now complains that the seats aren't heated. It's okay, I can roll down the windows.

Thing is - I am so thankful. I wake mairin up all the time to check that she is still breathing. And I do feel like we hit lotto and some guy in a bad suit from Albany (I guess that's the lottery headquarters?) is going to knock on our door and say it was a mistake. Maybe it's easier to complain. Sounds weird, but saying how beautiful something is harder. I would have a harder time sharing with someone in person, how amazing it is that -right now my daughter is sleeping on my shoulder and how simple and life defining that feels. Or how cute Aidan is that he is lighter sleeper and how he makes these funny goat sounds and we dubbed him -goat boy Maybe it seems corny or exposed. Hmmmmmm

One Step Up

This past week has been so freaking tiring and I get to work and leave the chaos behind for a bit. The other night M and I went to bed at 7:55 pm (scary i know). Then from around 9-1 am it was feeding time and they took turns being fussy. I told M that they shouldn't call it having Twins. We need to think of another name. Twins conjures up the t.v. ad of the double mint girls on their bikes, or "oh hey the twins are here" or cute little matching outfits. I think maybe people think Twins will eat, sleep, poop, be fussy, want to be held and cute at the same time. So, I mumbled to M that they really should call it "Having 2 new borns at the same time" and we need to think of some cute other term. She said what about "2 n.a.s.t?" No- that sounds too close to nasty. And it ain't nasty it's wonderful, beautiful, and scary. Sometimes I feel bad that I am not on cloud 9. I might be on 8. (note: that reminds of what a therapist once told me - You can have conflicting and different emotions about the same issue or person. I always remember that life tip).

One of M's sisters said to her "why is it hard? There are 2 of you and 2 of them." Gee thanks Mother Theresa for that wisdom.

I don't want to complain. It took us 3 years plus to get here. And we are here. When you are here do you know where you are going next?

I wonder if you can get post pardum hormone transference? I feel a little more emotional lately. I just played my voice mail at work and my younger brother left a message on it. It just hit me how much I miss him. He lives in Charlotte, like in North Carolina. He and his wife are about to have their second baby. Any day now.

Pictured above is mairin and Bruce. I wonder if she will like him. I know many people think he stinks. Personally, I love the man and Tunnel of Love I submit is one of the best albums. I met him once back in uh 1996 after a show in D.C. He was hot and suprisingly reallly short.

Maybe mairin will like Akon(?) or some other crap my adorable nieces listen to. I asked my older brother- "hey have you checked out your girl's ipod play list- cause there are a lot of songs about bitches and hos?" He did not seem to know that fact. And he is the Republican of the family (a good guy otherwise). Go figure.

Shaken not stirred

Who knew that you need to swirl breast milk when it's in the fridge and not shake it-like you do when getting the formula ready? This was mumbled to me around 3:06 a.m. All I know is I got a screaming baby. Whatever I can do as quickly as possible to calm him/her down that's how the food is getting served. Crummy mommy.

Oh I shouldn't complain. I love them...but wow they are a-l-o-t of work. We knew it would be. I think in many ways, it's easier to leave and go to work each morning. You close the door and get some time away from the constant running around, feeding, diaper changing, and comforting 2 babies. That's my position right now: Staying at home mommy-making is harder than going to work. Of course, I guess it depends on your job. Now, I'm no slacker and I think my job can be draining...but it must be hard not getting much of an opportunity to connect to all those things and people like you use to on a daily basis for many years. Like going to lunch with a co-worker, complaining about your work day, laughing at the b.s office politics, and being able to use the bathroom without waiting for someone to start crying or needing your attention. Not that M has complained about these things yet. And I am going to work each day.

I guess I am preparing myself for the adjustment. Change is hard, no matter how much you wanted it. Isn't that a line from Letter's to a Young Poet?? M reminded me the other day that my life has changed. I understand that. I think I do. Don't I??? gulp.

Above is Aidan blaming his sleeping sister for something.

Clocks

Correction: It’s GROUND control to Major Tom. Not Earth control. Horrors.

Last night was another round of alternate crying babies. First he goes, then she goes, then they are both fed and changed and we pass out for 1 hour? 2 hours? 45 minutes? I can’t freaking tell. I try to hide the signs of time as I don’t look at the clock. I have no desire to know that it is now:
12:03 am
1:46 am
1:58 a.m.
Wow a whopping 3:34 am
5:46 a.m.
6:17 a.m.

I rather remain clueless about the time. Looking at a clock will just remind me I only slept for 38 minutes and will be a mess for work. So, I tuck my small, but annoying alarm clock in my bed side table and I turn M’s bright 1970’s alarm clock around. M hates this approach and says she NEEDS to know the time. She is right. Again. She does try to schedule their feedings every 2.5 hours. Where the hell are J Lo’s baby nurses when you need them? Yes, she has a baby nurse – for each child!!!

M’s sister has been our baby nurse this week. She actually gets up in the middle of the night so I can get some sleep for work. She leaves Friday. I will miss her pink zinfandel (people still drink that?) in the evenings as she tries to talk in-depth- about Dancing with the Stars. She is very passionate about it. She analyzes each dancer and panel of judges as if she were General McCarthy and briefing military commanders about an invasion. It’s been fun, and mind- numbing. Last night we discussed how the Jonas brothers appeared and butchered Take on Me. Can’t you ruin your own original music?

Pictured above is the little man. He looks like a potential club-kid in this photo. He is surrounded by blue. We received (very generously) many gifts of pink and blue. M’s mother bought these pink and blue Moses baskets. Sometimes, I mix it up and place her in the blue. Those crazy same-sex parents.

Earth control to major Tom

I finally now understand those people that fall asleep on the subway. Long ago these people confused me and would think to myself -why the hell is that person asleep on this downtown subway?? Don't they know where this train is heading and they can get killed??? I now get it. I think I can fall asleep going home. I - We- Us-are EXHAUSTED.

It's our fault- we never should have named a child after "fiery one." Wonder if we can change his name to Walter, or Larry or something that sounds like a quiet man. Little Aidan likes to SCREAM when his diaper is changed, when he pees, when he wants food and when he wants to be comforted. And he loves to be comforted c-o-n-s-t-a-n-t-l-y.

I told him the other night at 3:30 a.m.-while he was scccrreeaaammming that he was going to get us evicted and all four of us would all be living in a box somewhere. Gosh, I hope he knows I am kidding. Thankfully, his sister is a bit easier to handle. She cries a bit when she needs something. I think she already knows her brother is a bit of a handful. I have promised to buy her a pony if she continues to be easy to handle. I hope she also knows I am kidding, I can't see us getting her a horse. Bad parenting skills already.

Usually, at night (early morning) M and I have shifts of taking care of the babies. We switch shifts, and give the other a break when tears or "I am a bad mother" comes blurting out in a tear-whine- combo. Last night, she relieved me of duties when she can tell I was about to crash or have a mommy breakdown. We knew 2 newborns were going to be exhausting, but wow...when they both start screaming at one time and you are running on fumes it's tough.

Pictured above is the more quiet baby (for now).

Peanuts

This past week was a blur. We are both tired-especially the birth mom. M had to go back uptown to the emergency room with elevated blood pressure issues on Sunday afternoon. We were emotional that she told to come back immediately She was later released at 2 a.m. on Monday. My parents came in to help with the babies.

M was directed by our doctor that she needs to take a few weeks of meds. She seems to be feeling a bit better. Apparently, her blood pressure increase might be a result of trying to breast feed 2 at one time. Fuck that noise I say. So, we are supplementing with formula.

Our doula is here for a few hours this week. I hid the formula bottles before she came over. Not sure if that is healthy situation. I think M told her about the formula-Not sure as I was out of the apartment out begging the 2 local pharmacies for blood pressure pills. Both pharmacists shook bottles of pills( I heard them jingling) and said "sorry we are out please come back tomorrow." WTF? I begged the second pharmacist for one pill and told her the story of mother of twins in desperate need. Where the fuck is Bono when I needed him??? Unreal. Finally, the pharmacist forked over some pills and warmed up. I told her I would return in a few days to show her the babies.

Unfortunately, I return to work tomorrow. waaaaah. The doula chick will be here for 3hours. It gets nuts when both start screaming at the same time. Anyway, the doula is helpful with breast feeding tips. M whispered to me when I was changing Aidan that "she told me not to take the meds- it's strong stuff." Uh- are you kidding me?? So, we ignore that sound medical advice and I will continue to hide the plastic bottles for now. I think we will just use the 15 hours and not renew services. Don't get me wrong- I think doulas are helpful and knowledgeable. And we feel okay about picking and choosing her "tips." M's organizer sister will be staying next week to help out. I imagine in a few weeks we won't need help (famous last words)- it's just a big adjustment right now- especially at night. I look forward to the mornings. I am drinking toxic amounts of espresso and coffee this past week.

The first night home was a bit of a disaster. The changing table looked like a bomb went off. M and I have different dressing styles for the babies. I think they she is over-heating them and she thinks they are cold. End result is I fumble to partially undress them to change diapers at 3 a.m. I think I changed at least 10 diapers that were clean. Must work on that.

M think Aidan looks like Charlie Brown. Hope he has better luck in life than Charlie Brown. Iv'e been calling him Chuck all week. We don't have a nick-name for Mairin yet. She seems so much more delicate than her brother....sometimes she makes these Park Avenue lip movements...we think maybe she will be a high society lady (hopefully not a governor's wife).

Speaking of Chuck, my god- he is more work than Mairin. He wants to be comforted constantly. I wonder if that is a gender thing....Either way, we love them both.

Long Time Coming

Mairin and Aidan arrived yesterday, March 11th at 3:30 p.m. via c-section. M and the babies are healthy. M is sore and said she feels "crappy and happy."

We wanted to avoid another "M" in the household, but we found her name after a long search and it just seemed perfect. Mairin in Gaelic means "longed for child." Oh how true. Aidan means "Little fiery one." OR my alternative meaning is "Chutzpah"- something I hope both our children (when appropriate) posess. The photos are Aidan, Mairin (prounced like Mare-in), and the duo.

We arrived at the hospital at midnight on Monday. The hospital kept calling and pushing us back as they were overcrowded. Long story short- when we arrived at the L&D- the place was packed. M was asked to sit in a waiting room while some were in active labor. She sat between a Republican TV Talking head (who appeared on Larry King the other evening) and a 17 year-old foster kid (we overheard) who was loudly moaning in pain during contractions. Only in New York.

Once we got in our private labor room the experience improved. Our nurse was a funny woman from Alabama and the doctor was also wonderful. After about 9 hours of labor, it appeared that Mairin was blocking her brother from turning and allowing him to start the downward departure. There was the obligatory scare when people come rushing in and scare the shit out of you. Around 2pm Mairin's heart-rate dropped suddenly and they thought she might be in distress. Turns out she was fine just bouncing all around and uh- some other medical terminology I missed while studying the face of our doctor while having a mini-stroke.

A c-section was strongly suggested and we were on board. It was amazing to hear Aidan screaming when he came out and followed by Mairin about 2 minutes later. Wow what an amazing moment. M was a champ during the entire experience.

Oh yeah- Aidan is 6 lbs. and 12 oz and Mairin is 5 lbs 9 oz.

M will remain in the hospital for a few more days. We thought best if I come home tonight, feed the cat and try to sleep.

ps. Word from M's anesthesiologist is that Gweneth Paltrow was a cool, down-to earth, low maintenance patient.

Moving on Up

M has moved up the waiting list and is scheduled to be induced tomorrow evening. Monday. March 10, 2008. Lunes. Year of the Rat.

An old college friend of M's stopped over yesterday. Sharon is single, no children and was chatting about her active dating life. God, am I officially 80 yet? Anyway, She asked how it feels to sit and wait for a profound life altering event to occur??? I said it feels like waiting for a space ship to descend and carry us off to another planet. Luckily, I have been around the block to know- that we will return to mother earth again.

As boring and repetitive as this sounds: I feel sort of numb-nervous. I cannot imagine that we would ever get to this moment. The last 3 years have not been the easiest. But- as any IVF-Gambler knows: This is the big pay-off.

Hope is addictive, even when the fertility clinic psychologist (a mandatory $375.00) leans over and shows you the statistical chart of getting pregnant over 35. Lady, please put your graph away, we get it. We are rolling the dice again...

M is calm, sore and quietly reading the NY Times right now. We have been together long enough that I know she is anxious. She is quiet when nervous. Damn, I admire that. But, I have been around the block to also know- that in an important moment I will be completely there and ready (am I stealing Hillary Clinton's motto)? Whatever.

Not appearances and jesus on 8th

No babies yet. I think they will make an appearance this week....or M will be induced next Tuesday. According to the doctor this morning she is having contractions and signs look good for a vaginal delivery. Whatever is safest for everyone is our approach. So we wait. She seems calm, tired, and ready to go - except the bag isn't packed.

M is now officially on maternity leave. She stopped working on Friday. She is taking off for 3 months + one week. Most of her leave will be paid which is good since Yale is $_____per year. I will google that later. It would be great (dreaming here)if one child was a doctor with amazing bedside manner and the other was a journalist- like Christina Amanpour. I can picture our daughter wearing a flak jacket reporting from the scene. Yeah mommy is being nuts.

There was a guy yelling on the subway this morning about "pancakes" and "white bitches." Interesting. I usually don't move away from people like this, I usually move closer. But this guy started to concern me a bit when he started pounding his fist. Usually, I hope that people in this condition can offer some nugget of wisdom or offer some profound life altering babble.

Actually, switching street people stories- this reminds me of a homeless Jesus that use to hang near our block. He looked exactly like Jesus (at least how depicted). He had a peaceful facial expression, the long flowing hair, long beard, and flowing like clothes. We would see him in the summer when we were getting in a cab for IVF blood work or related treatment. I always thought it was a omen or something. We haven't seen him for awhile, but I'd like to give the homeless Jesus, reproduction and labor gods a shout-out.

Mellow Yellow

I was wrong for thinking that my entire office is filled with right wing conservatives. They aren't all conservatives, some of them are lovely supportive people...especially those who threw me a baby shower at work yesterday.

It's strange to be the only person that is out at work (at least that I'm aware). Every other place I worked was more diverse. Hanging on the walls at my last job were safe-sex posters and condoms in a candy jar on the receptionist's desk. Here, no condoms just lovely marbled halls. Oh how I miss those wacky safe sex instructional materials and k-y jelly packets for the clients.

Today I chatted with a postpartum doula about retaining her services. Cool lady ...love those Woodstock type people. She was telling me that I could try to
breast feed the babies. Uh Whaaaaaht? I heard about that...but is that strange? Anyway, the doula said that once M starts to breast feed "she will be so mellowed out just like smoking pot." Hmmmmm okay. We don't smoke weed- but I like the idea of her being relaxed/mellow.

So, I googled some articles to read on the subway ride home "Breast Feeding your adopted Baby" and such. It aint' gonna happen. It's pretty freaking hard to produce milk and the "supplemental" instruments (I could have sworn I sped thru something on attaching glass bottles to your breasts???) seems rather cumbersome. Pass the Enfamil please.

Just shoot me

We attended a newborn care class last night. There were 13 couples (including us). We were the token gays. What alternative family planet do I live on- where I am surprised that we are the only same sex couple in the room??? Earth to Me.

Surprisingly-it was my idea to attend the baby care class. M is an admitted control freak. She knows it. The last thing this non-bio mom wants to hear at 3 a.m. is how to diaper the baby or "no-no- you hold her head like this." I can picture myself screaming: "WhaaaatttttT--- Just because I didn't give birth to them- I don't know what the F$%@#$% I am doing..." Yeah still working on some issues.

The class instructor was great. She spoke to us afterwards about the twin experience. We chatted about breast feeding, bottle feeding, and the need for extra help: a post-partum doula vs. baby nurse vs. my mother vs. her sister vs. just the 2 of us.

Speaking of just the two of us....I wonder if our relationship will be the same. Or better? Or worse? I cannot imagine that it doesn't change. The other evening we attended November with Nathan Lane then had dinner out. We figured it's the last date for awhile. It was a good show. I mean it's not the Glass Menagerie or anything. Anyway, at dinner- we basically talked about babies and preparation of their arrival. The hot date days are uh over for now.

I will miss my old relationship. It is solid and supportive and loving. And- I got attention. I fear that the days of direct attention are over. I wonder if this sounds pathetic? Whatever...shoot me.

President's Day

No babies yet. I didn't really write anything either...I did but never posted it. Last week, I was in a bit of a funk. Sort of obsessed with the election and death. My future death, my brother's death and always thinking that my father was going to die before I ever had children. He is definitely (as of 5:52 pm EST) still very alive. Not sure why I convinced myself (for years now) that I would be at his funeral and he would never get a chance to see me as a mother. Hmmmm hope I'm not jinxing it.

The other evening, we went on a tour of the uptown hospital where M will be delivering. We got a glimpse of the 4,000 dollar a night suite where Gwyneth Paltrow stayed. According to the brochure, it has "sweeping views" of Central Park. Our tour guide confirmed that she indeed stayed in the suite on the 7th floor, but- could not "because of HIPAA regulations" confirm if Sylvia Plath was a high maintance patient. Not sure how she can cofirm that she stayed there. Not sure why we care. I will try to get the gossip while we are in the hospital chatting with the nurses during hours of labor. Of course, M is the focus. Maybe she will welcome the distraction of useless gossip. I doubt it. I better come up with something better to help her.

As of Friday, little girl was weighing in at about 5 lbs. 7 oz and her brother was at about 6 lbs. 6 oz. The peri told M she need not come back as everything looks great thus far. wow e wow.

This morning, the obgyn told us that M can deliver at anytime. Things look kosher at 35 weeks. Then we discussed circumcision. I wish a mohel was going to be present- at least the baby would get a drop of wine. Poor kid. If I change my mind about this- Oh- or really-once again want to examine this issue, M will roll the eyes. She isn't happy whenever she thinks we made a joint decision, and days later- while sitting around- I want to re-examine the examined issue.

ps. Not sure why death and the election is my current obession...maybe because (god i hope) new life is coming and we need a president to change this freaking place. Personally, I would vote for a candidate that made mental health issues an important part of the national discussion. Seems critical yet quasi-simple. Therapy on demand would be by platform. Oh and gay marriage....and a few other things.

Don't worry babies- this place ain't all bad. We at least still have the woods, snow-men, the ocean and popcorn.

Sunday

I wonder if you can grieve Love before it happens? We are ready (aside from a last minute contractor disaster-that's another story). We are ready. M can give birth soon.now.next year. But we will never be ready to feel heartbreak. I guess no one is. That's simple=that's life.

We aren't ready to feel school yard politics again. I think B.D.G is a brilliant child. Sorry- personal story. But- she is a real soul-ful child and has amazing loving parents.

I hope I don't favor our son. Anyone who knows me, probably knows I am part bravado, 2 shakes whiskey, 2 ounzes of self-doubt, 3 jiggers of guilt, plus a dose of therapy.

We should have a one year old girl. We had to terminate at 16 weeks. There was no choice. There was no saving the girl; maybe if she were a boy, we had a chance of saving him.....That' didn't work out either. It was either- die in utero or give birth to a still born daughter. ugh. We had 3 top notch surgeons looking at the deal. There was no outcome. M went to the limits of pain, testing, and uh-faith? In the end we did what was least painful. And yet it's all painful.

Maybe having a son, I can makeup for all this and the mistakes of having a different brother. I doubt it. I was a kid then and now I am just a woman waiting for 2 newborns.

Hell has frozen over

Yesterday I telephoned the parents to inform (half-jokingly) my mother-that if she voted for Mike Huckabee we wouldn't let her visit her grandchildren. Apparently, there may be a higher power. My mother, my very religious mother who secretly would leave religious material in my apartment, laundry bag, etc. voted for Obama. WOW. That is huge for me. What next? Maybe she will come around on the gay marriage issue. She doesn't quite get that one of the reasons I am leaving my job is that I cannot cover my partner on my health insurance. Special rights? Please.

I reluctantly voted for Hillary. The war and her vote is a disappointment (disgrace?). But- yet-I pulled the lever. Gloria Steinem wrote an Op-Ed piece in the NY Times a few weeks ago. She basically agues that Hillary is getting screwed because of her gender. I agree. We never read about Obama's hair, what he is wearing today, or if ever gets emotional. If Hillary cries- she is considered too weak. If she wears another pant suit- she is too masculine.

The Clintons have not been the most progressive leaders. But, I believe they were the ones who picked up the sword back in the early 90's for some progressive issues . The result was they were slaughtered by the Right. Whatever. I am babbling. Universal healthcare was her cause, and she paid the price. Whoever wins and beats McCain we will go to D.C. in January 09 and wave Bush goodbye.

Babies are really kicking M hard. She is sore and tired. I am always amazed at her strength....physical and emotional. She is a champ.

Fate and real estate

I think this was my last home depot visit. The contractor wanted an additional 480 bucks to put some linoelum down in the closet. Please. This afternoon I put down some tile we purchased for 25 dollars. Granted- I will never be a tile layer, but it looks better. We also had to do some re-drilling as the contractor failed to see if a hanger would fit on the poles they drilled in. It's nice to have a closet, but maybe the hangers need to be able to uh hang. Oh brother.

I bought this apartment about 9 years ago. It seriously was a crack den. I got a good price. The old owner (small child and girlfriend)lived in squalor. They left me an apartment that was in frightening shape. The guy was an ex-cop and would write his debt and strange billing on the wall (that's nothing compared to other strange findings) But- when it's closing time and you know you're getting a good deal- what's a little squalor between friends?

Anyway, if I didn't buy my private crack den (M lived in Philly at the time) for a really good price, our 2 little babies would not be at 33 weeks. I sometimes think things happen for a reason. If the ex-cop wasn't selling and moving out of NYC quickly to go to rehab AND if my friend Becky wasn't walking her dog down the street and heard an apartment was for sale at a good deal...well we wouldn't be here. M and I couldn't afforded all those ivf cycles out of pocket- unless we had affordable housing.

But it's not all Little House on the Prarie. A neighbor (who moved in after the Starbucks neighborhood explosion) wants to choke me. We are both on the co-op board. He is pissed that I suggested he ask a neighbor to turn down the music or ask someone not to sing opera after 11 pm PRIOR to calling the police. Call me nuts to think fostering a friendly environment is the way to go. Oh the drama.

Park bench

What a crappy rainy day. Luckily got a cab quickly this morning to go uptown for the growth scan. Mr. wonderful (baby A) is 5 lbs and 3 oz. He had a growth spurt from the last go around. His sister is weighing in at 4 lbs 3 oz. Sounds like I am announcing a prize fight. Anyway, they are looking good. The doctor said not to be concerned about her size as it's unlikely the boy was taking all the nutrition. M has to go back in 2 weeks to make sure the girl is growing appropriately. The ultrasound tech said the babies were all squished and getting a good picture wasn't happening today.

The tech mentioned to us that she is part of a girl-boy twin pair. Interesting. She would be the girl. She said growing up it was challenging at times, because she was better in school than her brother. And she felt pressure not to be a model student as her brother wasn't the smartest kid (her words). Hmmmm and here I thought not dressing them alike would cut down on any comparison pressure.

M is getting pretty sore and swollen. She is such a non-complainer...but is getting more vocal about being uncomfortable. This weekend we have to find her shoes she can wear. I could have sworn she mentioned clogs? Uh- that does not sound safe. I bet we will find a reasonable alternative to clogs.

We finally had the contractor guys leave after a week. Who the hell would think it would take a week to build out and organize a closet and install washer/dryer? I under-estimate the handy people. We still have stuff all around the apartment that needs to be sorted and organized. I am going to complain here: I cannot believe how long it takes to get ready to prepare for baby arrival. I am begging for some air(that isn't found in a babiesRus store). I suggested to M that we sit on a park bench up at Wave Hill (overlooks the Hudson river). We use to go there all the time after IVF weekend blood-work. It's strange when sitting on a park bench seems exciting.

Heart Monitoring and waiting for the big wave

This past weekend we attended our twin birthing class. It was taught by a midwife. Four couples total with one other same sex couple. Every one was down to earth and laid back. I was convinced that there would be that one couple that would hijack the class and share in painful detail alllllllll about their experience and pregnancy. None of that. We really liked the midwife. It was a good class. We feel a bit more prepared. But-like anything always expect the unexpected.

The midwife covered all the different drug options. There was too much talk (and films) on epidurals. Couple of short films showing vaginal deliveries. I am a bit squeamish. The trainer thought M and I should get a doula to help me during the labor. God...what a loser I must be. SORRY no time to find one now. I will be FINE. I am just really dreading seeing M in so much pain.

Interesting enough-the midwife said twin A is usually the dominant child. I guess if he starts bossing her around she was right as the boy is twin A.

We chatted with a woman who is also birthing twins at the same uptown hospital where M will deliver. This woman was telling us that when she was recently hospitalized for severe dehydration there were no rooms available. More concerning- she was only given one fetal heart monitor. They couldn't spare another! Like one kid is expendable or something. Where is Michael Moore and the film crew for Sicko? Let me make this prediction-I will get 2 heart monitors. If It means begging or stealing one from a less crowded hospital- both the babies will monitored. Call us high maintenance...scary.

After the birthing class, I headed to the lower east side for a friend's birthday dinner. I'm trying to be less of a crappy friend. During the last 3 years of infertility treatments, I was a bit of a drop out in some ways. Our obgyn said that we were both depressed (she treats more than the repro system). Not sure if it's depression or just being in a bad fucking mood for 3 years. Whatever. I went downtown and had a great time. Not sure if I will be able hang out in a bar on a Sunday night anytime soon. I feel like we are waiting for this big wave to hit us and carry us somewhere else. Anyway, it was great fun. But, it's time to go home when you are doing shots with friend's 68 year old Aunt and debating with birthday boy's co-worker: Who is hotter Jennifer Beals vs. Jessica Biel. For the record: the Ms. Beals- hands down.

I should stop watching ET and other things related to babies

I have a bad habit of watching Entertainment Tonight and Access Hollywood after work. Thinking lately we should turn this shit off. A) Babies probably shouldn't be listening to background noise that consists of Anna Nicole's child now has a wandering eye*. B)By watching this stuff, maybe I am contributing to the corporate money machine and the to the eventual tragic fall of Britney Spears??

Wonder if all these big plans will fall through? Like really am I going stop swearing because there are children in the back seat? I hope. I doubt it. Maybe.

On baby front news: M has a growth appointment next Friday. It has been awhile (for us anyway) to see the babies. And we have a twins birthing class this weekend. Like all weekend. I wonder who will be in the class. Our obgyn predicted at least one same-sex couple. Who knows.

*I think any parent, here- Larry Birkhead parading his child before cameras because she has a wandering eye should perhaps have their parental rights terminated. What a sick thing to do. Maybe I am sicker because I continued to watch the "story."

Contracting a nest

The long weekend was spent painting again, moving furniture, building furniture (ha- not by me), watching things get fixed, running out for refreshments, running AGAIN to Babies R Us, Pottery barn kids, home depot, moving stuff in and out of the storeage unit out of state, getting paint off the floor, and general nest building activities.

A few friends who are actually handy came over for the weekend to help turn our apartment into more of a nest. These friends are weirdly handy. Like- McGiver handy. They came with a SUV full of tools that I cannot even pronounce. They emptied out our closet. I hated them at Saturday night at 11:30 p.m. when they pulled everything out of our closet into the bedroom. Our ONE closet is like the game Jenga. Each freaking thing in there- if disturbed might collapse the entire balance of my universe. We had to empty out the closet because we finally found a contractor who will redesign our closet with a washer-dryer. I believe the contractor starts Thursday.

How shocking it will be to our parents (yeah even at this age) to show up without a laundry bag - but babies.

Speaking of babies, M's next check up isn't til next week. We are thinking everything is okay in there as they both are kicking hard. I usually can cry easily for a sad reason or a good old tragedy. But, when the crib was assembled this weekend- I actually had one of those moments where I cried for relief?/happiness/joy? Oh might my carefully constructed walls/semi-frozen exterior be melting? I am forming a belief that maybe having children is like free therapy. that's my thought for another time- I have a few weeks left (allah/stars/jesus) willing of childless life to gel that thought.

Measuring the Unmeasurable

I just met with an elderly Korean woman who couldn't pay her mortgage. She is close to being evicted (after a foreclosure sale) and she told me she was going to kill herself. I hate (that's another story) when people say that. I made her promise she would call me before she does anything- as if Under Dog could swoop out to Queens and stop her. She told me on other occasions that she would consider suicide before losing her apartment. Somehow today, I think she might really be seriously thinking about it. She brings me anti-aging products when she comes to see me (Like any freshly-turned 40 year old wants to talk about that). But, Alas over the months she has grown on me.

I have to write reports for my position. I have one due now (last moment's notice). A colleague always warns me "we need more metrics" in the reports. How do you fucking measure something like this? I HATE the word metrics. Maybe because I hate math. Maybe because I hate programs run based on data/measurements/ooooh metrics. Maybe because I am a schmuck. Not sure. But, I am sure- if in my report I included this simple, common story - it would get edited out.

Over the weekend, M and I were in Philadelphia for a baby shower. Friends down there threw us one for the philly friends/family. It was fun. Apparently alot of wine was consumed (some by me). M got the diaper bag she wanted. So did I. Let's just say they aren't similar. We aren't similar. But- we are. In that sort of ying-yang way. She can do math. She has large excel spread sheets on her lap top. They scare me. She probably likes the word -metrics-. She is rock solid and I am somewhere between liquid vapors and snowman. She likes to plan. I don't. M sent me an email today about when we would travel to block island in August. August? I don't know if I will still be breathing in August. It's strange when your own mother (who is a bit of a jesus freak) tells you your same-sex partner makes you more grounded. It's true- but I just don't like people noticing too much. As if I am Britney Spears, and she is Kevin Federline. Perhaps a bad comparison.

One thing I do know-absent the metrics- she will be an amazing mother.

Good Will Painting

Our apartment is in chaos. There is furniture everywhere. The nephew painted the walls and floor. The tech guy who came to fix our computer actually crashed the system, and took our hard-drive away. Car seats and other gifts are being delivered, and boxes and crap are strewn about. I really hate disorder. I need a house to spread the disorder on different floors (or my hope of a barn in the back).

I am afraid of what my reaction will be when the babies arrive and there is not enough room for everyone and everything. We still have nothing in the nursery, except some new paint. And I am not sure if I like the cream provenance (which looks yellow) and yellow stripes. But- I have no time to paint it over. The clock is ticking. We still are waiting to find a contractor to install some doors, washer/dryer and organize some closet space. The one contractor who came over was an a-hole. He was grumpy and annoyed that M dare ask to see a sketch of a closet design for 10,000 dollars. That is the price of an IVF cycle. He said he would just add some racks and install a washer/dryer (not included in price) and we don't need a plan. I usually am a fly-by-the-seat-of-my pants- type of gal. But even I think 10,000 dollars warrants a sketch. So, I will be -as of now- doing laundry at the corner laundry-mat. Which is a nightmare.

M's oldest nephew was here painting our bedroom. We figured he needs money and we need work done. Oh boy. He dropped or flunked out of college recently. I told M tonight at dinner that he needs like a Robin Williams character to figure him out. He is smart- but unmotivated. I had hoped to talk some sense into him these last 2 nights. HA. I must get over myself. I am no Ghandi or Yoda.

a rose by any other name...

Friday was baby and cervix check-again. The girl (they do have names)is weighing at 3 lbs and 1 oz. And the Boy wonder is close to 3 lbs. as well. M's cervix was looking okay to the doctor.

Speaking of names, my dear childhood friend Karen, said when pregnant, that she wouldn't reveal babies names- as someone always had a comment or suggestion for a better name. She was right. We told some people- and a comment like- "oh I like that" or "oh- reallllllly???" Translation- it sucks.

As a disclaimer,- we are both Irish american. I relate to Ireland- in a brooding sense of irish- not in the requisite- shamrocks, pope and JFK hanging on the wall sorta way. But, in the West of Ireland, Yeats, Sinead O'Connor, Damien Rice, Oscar Wilde, wild ocean, fireplace/sawdust on floor/ pub sort of way.

So, we are looking at Gaelic names where the translation meant something to us. Both of us are M's. I really didn't want to choose a name with an M. But, alas- I guess we are. I really hope people think it wasn't on purpose. Oh ultimately- I should be worrying about bigger items.

I am almost done painting. This is absurd. Don't people hire people for this work? We are getting M's nephew in later this week to paint our bedroom. He just dropped out of college at 20. Smart kid- but needs a wakeup call. I don't think painting our bedroom will result him in enrolling in art school or anything. I hope to get him for a couple of days, and just trying to talk some sense into that kid. Shit- I think he is going to drop paint all over the place. Oh well.

Saturday, we drove to Scarsdale. Apparently, Scarsdale had a double stroller that M wanted to push. Not sure what the HELL happened to bjorn -snap and go- idea. But, we drove up there. Once inside the 800th Babies R Us- the manager came over and said "NEVER buy that stroller." It was the most returned product she had. So- we are back on the bjorn one and snap and go concept, until a few months and we get some other stroller my lovely partner is now obsessing over. And I thought getting pregnant was complicated.

Wave hello, say goodbye

The babies are starting to kick hard. Whenever I feel M's belly, and a baby kicks it feels more real. But- I cannot fully grasp that 2 additional people will be sharing our space and lives in 2(?) months. I feel like I am in a fog: this isn't happening to me, to us. The other day when we were signing up for our twins birth classes, I was checking out the baby clothes, and cute rain boots and all the other stuff. But, It doesn't seem when I touch the clothing, toys, whatever, that we are having children. Even now that I have painted a nursery, I cannot imagine babies will be in the room soon.

I do remember the tears, panic, dread, and awful loss of the last 3 years. That I could feel deeply. Those emotions, I could call mine. I would cry at work (privately), when I got a phone call that that they had to remove my ovary (cancer fear); that M's IUIs failed; that we had to lose a baby because her urthera didn't form (no urine=no aminotic fluid), and that Children's Hospital of Philly informed us that they could not operate; that the following IVF's were positive bfp at first, but Ooooops- the phone rings again and the betas went down, and suddenly now a D&C is in order.

But this part- this babies kicking part, I cannot seem to emotionally grasp it- this happiness thing. I just feel like an outsider to it. Maybe it's the absence of tears part that is hard to shake. While using the bathroom at work today, I remembered all the times at my last job that I would go in there to cry (probably not the best place), and I notice I am not crying when I use the restrooms now. Wow. A therapist, once told me to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop- like I am missing the living part of life.

This isn't to say, that I am some deep darth vader type and don't enjoy life. I do. Alot. But, maybe all the weathering has just made me a bit hesistant at trusting joy. Not sure. Damn, I gotta work this stat.

The stuff animals are put in the nursery after I finished painting. Actually, I have been instructed to paint yellow stripes on the bottom half of the walls....so more work to do.

2.0.0.8

This year I would like to:

1. Learn to make ravioli;
2. Help my mother understand that a vote for Mike Huckabee is a vote against me and my family;
3. Some how-magically-or by using the technique of fabrication- learn the art of patience;
4. Get my ass up in the morning and go to central park;
6. Skip the anger and guilt. Instead of injecting lupron- inject some self forgiveness and move on;
5. Skip my dooms-day-Woody Allen approach to life. Sometimes things can work out;
6. Hold my children and not to expect someone to knock on the door and say it was all a Big Joke;
7. See number 5.