Sad to see the news yesterday of bombings in Algiers. One of the bombs was set off across the street where we stayed and had the workshop. The picture above is of the Constitutional court and was taken from my balcony. It was hit yesterday. I hope the hotel staff is okay....they were all lovely people and were interested in chatting about their country and learning about Americans. We met with people that are trying to move their country forward and away from the grip of religious extremists- and now this crap happens.
Yesterday morning, my colleague was setting dates in the early spring to return to Algiers. She is a tough broad. I like that about her. Screw the terrorists, M would kill me herself if I returned (at least for now). So, I have 2 good excuses for now to be able to say- uh - I cannot attend in Feb or March.
So, fast forward to happy hour with a friend from work. She is a pretty progressive chick and knows M is pregnant. But, then we started chatting about returning to Algeria. I mentioned how our colleague (who has a 7 year old adopted daughter)is looking to return in the Spring. So, the friend at the bar says it might be "easier" for our colleague to return to Algeria because she didn't give birth. Translation: if you adopt you aren't a "real" mother.
S-l-o-w-l-y remove knife from chest. Wow. Do people feel this way? Do I? Am I not going to be the real mother? Is it okay for me to explode because M is giving birth? Ugh ugh ugh. I have so many feelings about this that I haven't fully digested. I feel sad, angry, tired, and above all- worried. Will I spend the next 25 years defending my family and my non-bio mom self? Yikes.
5 comments:
what an idiot maybe she isn't a good friend
At this point, she has undeveloped insight and empathy. Maybe later. Any chance you would be up to helping her understand what that feels like on the receiving end?
wow...I'd like to say I am shocked at such an attitude, but I am not!
My hairdresser and his boyfriend are having a baby via surrogate and a client rudely asked him "who's going to be the mom?" He replied, diplomatically, "we both are." People ask us who the father is, to which we reply the donor is anonymous. Why is it different family paradigms are so hard for people to understand?!
I am the bio mom, so I have no idea how it would feel to field those questions. I get a lot of husband questions because I guess I don't look (whatever that means) like a woman with a female partner. That's fun. "Well, I don't have a husband. No, I'm not a single mom. Actually, I have a gf/partner/wife." More often than not I'll say "M&A have two moms." It's exhausting!
My gf, the non bio mom, wow, her bond is every bit as strong as mine with the girls. That maternal love is fierce. And in families with two moms, maternal love times two is amazing.
I too worry that we will spend the rest of our lives defending/explaining our families and choices.
What??? Easier??? Dads don't "give birth". There is so much more going on here than making a "mini-me". Your friend sounds a bit closed-minded (any chance she is on the young side?) I happen to think we are all individual sparks of life and we just happen to choose (or be given) a vessel to come to earth in. We choose (or are given) our parents. And that is it, they are our parents. You are going to be parents. The bond begins when you meet, regardless of how you meet (in a photograph, in an ultrasound, in a hospital room, in an airport). I don't think the bond between parent and child is dependent on the sex or biological makeup of the parents. You are working on your bonds now. Try not to think so much about what everybody else is thinking. Who the hell are you defending yourself against? Reason 2 million to love NYC: You are probably in a wonderfully tolerant place. Try focussing on that and enjoy this wonderful time in your lives!
Good for people to know.
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