Trees

Glorious 4 days off from work....sort of. My to do list: I have to finish up packing and throwing out my desk; finish assembly of computer hutch; prep nursery for painting; paint; finish helping M pack her office; move boxes somewhere; try to convince M that said boxes should be left in back of car; clean apartment; get M her cinnamon toasted pop tarts; have mini break down when apartment heat reaches over 102degrees; and then apologize for mini-break down.

With alot of work to do, coupled with the fact that M is suppose to be relaxing, we canceled our weekend trip to Vermont. I will miss the trees, snow, and chance to sit in front of a fireplace. We do still have Christmas decorations on the wall- I can check out those trees when desperate. Like now.

M and I registered for a day weekend "intensive workshop" on giving birth to twins. Both days of training 7 hours per day. I hate to sound like an unsupportive partner, but is 14 hours of class room time a bit extensive? Okay, Okay, it's not all about me. I get it.

I was on board with doing alternative sessions while trying IVF. We both attend sessions with the clinic's holistic nurse. And I loved it. The holistic nurse at the clinic is an amazing person and we are still in touch with her. I contribute M's pregnancy in part to our holistic sessions AND the fact that the transfer date was 7-07-07.

A friend called today, and I told her that we aren't having a larger baby shower. She said we were nuts. We are having a smaller baby shower in Philadelphia. I assume M will be cleared to attend. Another doctor visit tomorrow hopefull will result in good, not confusing cervix news.

Scratch That

The doctor said whatever M has been doing for the last 2 days- to keep doing it. Her cervix felt much better and the doctor said it is almost like "it reconstituted itself." Not sure if that is a medical term. One second we are alarmed, and I am googling Nancy Grace (as if that is text book twin delivery) and the next, we are eating thai food- thinking hmmmmmm maybe we shouldn't have told her sister to cancel our baby shower in CT.

darn.

Holding On

It's been a few nutty days, with driving around for Christmas. Connecticut back to NYC over to NJ back to NYC with 2 doctor visits. My lovely partner, however- must slow down.

On Christmas eve we met with the obgyn. Did i mention we love this woman? Anyway, she said that M's cervix is definitely changing. She said it has changed from last week and wants to see M again today for some other blood work. The doctor recommended not traveling too far (that blows the Vermont idea over New years), not lifting anything over a pound, not standing and cooking (she bakes,- doesn't cook, so no prob), and wants to see her every week. Plus M must see the peri each week. We expect to hear that she needs to go on modified best rest at some point.

The doctor said she was concerned. The key is to reaching 30 weeks. M is at 27.5 weeks. 30 weeks???? That is scary...didn't the Court tv anchor, Nancy Grace give birth to one twin that was slightly over 2 pounds?? I must google Nancy Grace in a minute.

Luckily, M hasn't lost her job. She did lose her office a few avenues away. Her company reorganization resulted new work responsibilities: managing fewer people, and having to work from a home office, and we assume less money. Problem is- we in the process of turning over our home office to the babies. So, dining area (cannot call it an actual room) is where she will work.

We can figure out the logistics, all the stuff that seemed important. The important thing is obviously- just holding on.

the office

Can I skip the office holiday party? Please? Someone help me. The combination of hard alcohol, underpaid workers, throw in some jesus, karaoke, management and we have the equivalent of water boarding. But, I guess that's not considered torture.

Catching yourself

The babies are good and M's cervix looks good. "Behavior modification" isn't quite necessary - yet. The woman hasn't had caffeine, or wine in a over a year, so that is alot of modification in my book.

We tried to grab a cab after the appointment. No luck there. We took the extremely slow moving bus down 5th Avenue. It inched down 5th Avenue- for like an hour. Finally, I jumped off the bus to buy a Christmas present. M was happy to see me actually get off the bus and go shopping. I went to Saks to purchase the book "Snow People" for the babies. As the cashier was ringing my purchase, M called me from the bus to tell me to purchase "Snow People" for the babies. Some surprise.

As I was walking home, I started thinking about the non-bio mom issue. I feel like I should have some epiphany. I don't. I do know that when I saw the Rock Center Christmas tree I almost cried. It's strange to catch yourself feeling happy.

Assembly definitely required

Usually, I go to the ob with M. This morning, I skipped. Maybe I am starting to feel assured the babies will live. I guess I shouldn't start getting all baby confident. This morning the doctor tells M that her cervix length seems a bit shorter. She instructed her to back to Mt. Sinai tomorrow to see the peri- just to make sure everything is kosher. The doctor said the babies looked fine, but just to be extra careful. She suggested not traveling too far for the holidays (which we aren't) and that she might have to start some "behavior modification." Uh, okay.

I get extra panicky when M tells me she needs to go back to Mt. Sinai for a follow up. This morning, I reached M on her cell and grilled her after appointment. She wasn't happy with me when I told her she was pushing herself too much. I will definitely leave work early and go uptown tomorrow afternoon.

We spent part of the weekend assembling a large, heavy, piece of furniture. We are trying to make the now existing office a nursery. Even though we are in a same-sex relationship neither one of us is particularly handy fixing things. It took us 10 hours (and counting) to assemble most of the computer hutch. It was a nightmare. A total nightmare. Perhaps, I should be arrested for allowing a 26 week pregnant with twins lady help with assembly.

According to the americanpregnancy.org website I am doing it all wrong. The partner is suppose to be taking her out on dates and giving her a pedicure. The site instructs me to "Make a special attempt this week to make her feel special by taking her on a date or planning a special outing. In Week 25 instructions for pedicures/manicures were given, but you could also schedule an appointment for a day at a spa or a mini-makeover." I am going to hell- I haven't even purchased one Christmas present yet, let alone given the woman a sponge bath or pedicure.

I have one week to fix this and plenty of time to buy a nice present or two.

I guess she is really pregnant

The other night I found M crying at the season finale of "Kid Nation." She claims she was crying because her hormones are out of whack. I'm not sure if I buy that. She cried all last year on Sunday nights watching "Extreme Home-make Over." Sure, I want a kid with cancer and one leg to get a ramp into his new home. Please. But I can't stand that guy screaming into a bull horn - so freaking annoying.

We didn't get a Christmas tree this year. M is like Martha Stewart-lite. For her to agree that we don't have time to decorate in the over-the top fashion is the real Christmas miracle. SO, I conclude she might really be pregnant and give birth.

Skipping work early today, we met up at Union Square to hit the Babies r Us. Apparently, M has this whole plan with a single stroller, snap and go, car seat, eventual double stroller, one car seat that will remain in our car, and I will baby bjorn one of babies. I have no %#@!$ freaking clue what she was talking about. This stuff is way too complicated. Or, I have no patience to figure it out. I better figure out the concept of patience really quickly. Like 2.5 months quickly.

Above is one of the lions in front of the NY Public Library. I snapped it last weekend when I had no patience and left bryant park early- as it was too crowded with shoppers. I believe his name is Patience. It's either patience or fortitude...one of them.

Bombs and non-bio mom bombings

Sad to see the news yesterday of bombings in Algiers. One of the bombs was set off across the street where we stayed and had the workshop. The picture above is of the Constitutional court and was taken from my balcony. It was hit yesterday. I hope the hotel staff is okay....they were all lovely people and were interested in chatting about their country and learning about Americans. We met with people that are trying to move their country forward and away from the grip of religious extremists- and now this crap happens.

Yesterday morning, my colleague was setting dates in the early spring to return to Algiers. She is a tough broad. I like that about her. Screw the terrorists, M would kill me herself if I returned (at least for now). So, I have 2 good excuses for now to be able to say- uh - I cannot attend in Feb or March.

So, fast forward to happy hour with a friend from work. She is a pretty progressive chick and knows M is pregnant. But, then we started chatting about returning to Algeria. I mentioned how our colleague (who has a 7 year old adopted daughter)is looking to return in the Spring. So, the friend at the bar says it might be "easier" for our colleague to return to Algeria because she didn't give birth. Translation: if you adopt you aren't a "real" mother.

S-l-o-w-l-y remove knife from chest. Wow. Do people feel this way? Do I? Am I not going to be the real mother? Is it okay for me to explode because M is giving birth? Ugh ugh ugh. I have so many feelings about this that I haven't fully digested. I feel sad, angry, tired, and above all- worried. Will I spend the next 25 years defending my family and my non-bio mom self? Yikes.

Your tax dollars

I'm not fond of working in a conservative environment. Half the people here are jesus freaks. It's bizarre. Even stranger, is that its deemed appropriate to decorate for Christmas in a public space. The other evening, I was walking out of the building and workers were putting the final touches on the "holiday decorations." The building is decked out with 85 poinsettias and large wreaths wrapped with red ribbons. As I walked out, I commented to the security gurards that the "only thing missing is a glow-in-the dark Jesus." Oh boy. You think I just made-out with Hillary Clinton right then and there. I got a barrage of comments like "oh- you like hillary?" "you one of those liberals??" etc etc. oh the fun final one was- "the problem with liberals and iraq....(you know how this ends - rhymes with we don't support the troops).

My last place of employment could have been listed in "top 10 mismanaged non-profits" but at least- Christ's depiction might have blended/muted by a Menorah or some Kwanzaa stuff or something. Please just fake it a little.

If the babies are okay, and M delivers in late February or early March, we are thinking that I will leave (or quit) my job in June or July. I'd stay at home for a bit with the babies. Not sure how long, depending on house hunting plans, her job situation, or our collective mental health. My lovely partner is a bit jealous she says because I would have the kids to frolic with in the summer. Not sure how that makes a difference. I don't think I can run into the ocean and leave them baking in the hot sun alone. They certainly would be too young to bring to some road side carnaval, hike in the woods, or take turns driving on a road trip. I would need her help to bring them on the block island ferry. Don't think I could do that alone- especially the way M likes to pack. So- really- does it matter if I had them in the summer? I say not.

Above is a photo of a painting that I snapped in Algeria.

love is elastic

Here is a head shot of the boy. The picture was taken Friday. The tech could not get a good shot of the girl. I hope she isn't too shy. M thinks I might be favoring the boy in utero. That would be pretty messed up to start favoring one child over another.

I was the only girl in my family, and I think it got me special attention from my parents. Like the time when I was 11 years old and they took me on a bus tour of Europe and my brothers went to Catholic camp. I think it was Camp Don Basco. Anyway, my brothers awoke to a bugle at 6:00 a.m. and had to promptly attend mass each morning. Some camp that was. Sibling resentment lingered for about 25 years on that one.

Rest assured, my darling M- I will not be touring Paris with the boy while the girl is saying the rosary somewhere.

Cold feet(s)

I'm back from Algiers. It was a fascinating trip. I work for a place that if they saw my blog, and my occasional spewing about George Walker Bush, I would get canned. Or flogged. Whatever. So, I don't write about work....I did attend a conference where French and Arabic was spoken. I speak neither. The interpreter cut out early from the workshop and I sat there clue-less, with plenty of time to think think think.

Oh quick update: M is good and we saw the babies this morning. Both babies are measuring at a normal rate and the girl's umbilical cord issue seems to be resolved. I think they are getting closer to hitting to 2 pounds each? M is starting to waddle...but she looks hot to me.

In Algeria I had too much time to think and started to get cold feet about being a parent. I should be shot for saying that. I know that whatever crappy existence I thought I had - is going to abruptly change. And just when I think I found my true career calling- the foreign service. Damn. No way is that happening now. I don't think I can take the foreign service exam and come home and ask M to please move with the kids to a country where the gays are outlawed. It ain't happening. Oh well....maybe I just like the intrigue or romantic notion of living in an embassy somewhere.

So, I sat in a conference room thinking about how I am careening towards being in a constant state of- sleeplessness, moodiness, sex deprivation, crankiness, and guilt ridden emotions. Do I sound like an ass? I longed to be a mother for about the last 10 years. I spent sleepless nights, tens of thousands of dollars on ivf, sacraficed work, friends, and other important relationships....and now we are close to getting everything we wanted and I get cold feet(s). I should be flogged.

M and I are both stressed as we have zero baby furniture, no doors in our rail-road apartment, no washer/dryer, and the babies room is still an office. We got into a bit of an argument last night because she proposed some furniture choices and I nixed the choices. As she reminded me: she has spent countless hours looking online for a freaking changing table that would fit the strange demension of our non-existent nursery. I think we are going to it custom built. As if we are commissioning a piece-like Michaelangelo's "Pieta" or something. I cannot believe in this town you can't find a furniture store that caters to cramped apartment dwellers. Bizzare.

Reason 304(i)(d) to stay in NYC: Being gay isn't (completely) illegal.

Pictured above is a stuffed camel I purchased for the non-existent nursery.