Leaving on a jet plane- hope I come back again

I am leaving for JFK in like 3 hours. Wondering if it will take me 8 years to get to JFK via taxi....? I think they are lighting the Rock Center Christmas tree. Hope there isn't a rush to see Nick Lachey sing bad holiday songs. WTF? Take him back Jessica!!

Anyway, I am going to North Africa for a week for work. I wish I were like a relief worker, or had a completely saint-like job. I don't. I hate flying and it's not the safest place on the planet. I think Al-Queda bombed back in April 2007. But, I figured, what the hell, the world trade center is only a few miles from here. If ya live in this town, (or near some other target) then every day we can explode.

M was supportive of me leaving. Even pregnant with the boy/girl combo. Actually, she was almost convincing me to go. I don't think she is having an affair (kidding). She probably thinks - hmmmmm while she is away- I can clean the closet (we only have one in our place), throw out crap, and get the existing office ready for the bambinos. It is easier for her to organize when I am not home. I get crazy with stuff thrown all over the place. Like zero tolerance and leave the room. Big help I am. Maybe there is a pill for that.

I am getting a bit weepy about leaving. M actually has a pregnancy glow. Not til I am 80,000 feet up in the sky, the plane makes bad sounds, and my inner panic sets in-do I realize- how much I love earth. How I long to be back in my small apartment with my partner, orange cat, and new additions.

Is it possible to start loving a child(ren) in utero? Or do you think you love the concept, the idea of a family? I have been fighting feeling love at this stage in her pregnancy. I bet I feel it on board the plane tonight.

WWJD

Thanksgiving was fun. Pretty much drama free. M is one of 6 children. One of her sister's is a uh- conservative born again christian. We call her the WWJD sister. I think she has a bracelet that has something about What Would Jesus Do? Anyway, the WWJD sister seems to be somewhat supportive of the pregnancy news. We didn't get hit with any speeches about What would Jesus' do if his sister was a lesbian and wanted a family? No biblical references our way. M did get a congratulations. I am not sure if I heard one.

One of my brother's hasn't told his children yet. I think they might start catching on. They are after all- 13.9, 11, and 6. Don't ya think they watch MTV? Aren't half the shows now about gays? Certainly, there is no music anymore. More about that for another non existent post.

Apparently, I gotta write more. The thing is- I have so much to say. And I don't let it out. M told me the other day- actually, driving up for Thanksgiving that I come off on my blog as -uh distant? Blase about our future children? Truth is- or WWJS (what would jesus say)- I felt pretty lost and dead after baby no. 1 died. Problem is- I feel too much.

Chicken

Oh the holidays. Filled with Turkey, non-stop Christmas music, and family complexities rearing it's head. I hope our babies never forget how close they were physically, perhaps emotionally when they were in utero. I hope they can tell each-other when they have been annoyed,confused, or hurt. And I hope as parents, we can teach them it's okay to be angry and to express it.

In baby news- M. had an ultrasound yesterday. The ob was amused that the girl was kicking the boy and he was kicking her back. Oh- maybe they are already expressing themselves. M. asked her about the umbilical cord issue and the possibility of it getting detached. The doc said not to worry about it too much, it's common, and it being the top twin makes it a bit better.

So, we are thankful this Thanksgiving. I am forever thankful that I have a patient, kind, loving, smart, and loyal partner.

peace.

Money Money Money

Continuing the theme that our babies might actually be born: M and I started to think about daycare options. The thought was that she would stay home for a few months. Few months later, I take unpaid family medical leave for 2-3 months. That WAS the plan.

Who knew that daycare in Manhattan for twins would essentially be my entire pay check? We never thought that we would be here- looking and discussing how to uh- take care of the children and would one of us stay home? Two mommies and each wants to be the stay at home mom. Sounds like a dilemma. Fortunately for me, the birth mom makes more money. I hope she doesn't read this post.

Reason 107 to Leave NYC: Monthly bill for 2 babies at new daycare center opening down the street: 4,000 dollars.

Children and Starbucks

I saw the biggest bitch in Starbucks this morning. What is it about people that think they can treat the big chick behind the counter like an ASSHOLE? Does it make this hot chick feel better about herself to scold the over weight, probably over educated and working in starbucks to pay her RENT? What causes someone to have such contempt because the girl fails to put non-fat milk in your latte? Her biggest crime was using 2 percent. Isn't that basically the same shit anyway?

I want to raise children that are kind to people. Children that do not believe anyone is beneath them. Children that will not yell at some chunky (or skinny) counter girl because they failed to use non-fat milk. I am determined before I croak that our children will be conscious of others and respect their station in life. The best thing about living in a big town- if you care enough to open your eyes- is that you can make a difference in someone's day. A little kindness, Ms. grande, Nonfat, extra hot, latte goes a long way....

4 chambered heart

The Ultrasound went okay. We think. We went to the practice at 9:30 a.m. and didn't leave til noon. We got the eastern european tech- who is difficult to understand, has great hair, and a decent amount of compassion (she remembered us from last year's sad baby situation).

She spent alot of time scanning the babies. We are always relieved to seeing the bladders were normal, and other important things like the 4 chambers of the heart. The tech had a tough time scanning the boy, because the girl was apparently pushing/kicking him. We are in trouble if it's starting this early.

Anyway, the doctor comes back. She scanned and said M's cervix looks awesome. She did say there was a conern that the girl's umbilical cord is hard to picture and there might be an issue of detatchment. Then there was just lots of medical terminology. I did hear her say "its common with twins." I guess the color from my face turned even whiter. She did try to say something reassuring to us. She then walked out.

The tech came over after the doctor left and was very kind. She said she sees it alot with twins and not to worry. She was very reassuring. She told me that I will have years to worry about the babies. It's kind of funny or pathetic that my partner is the one ON the table (and pregnant)is calm and I am the one that has the look of doom. Oh drama queen.

Exes and Allah

Not all lesbians are friends with their ex girlfriends. Walking home last night from dinner with a friend, I saw my ex-gf in front of a bar smoking. I haven't seen her in a few years...it was one of those weird things. You glance over at someone who you spent almost 7 years (she scratched at the itch) and she kinda recognizes you, and you know it's her. I was walking and calling M on my cell phone to check if she had gotten off the plane and was heading home. The old me would have turned around and went into the bar and leave a few (alot) of drinks later. Probably late to meet my partner at the apartment. But-instead- I smiled and walked home. Not sure if she recognized me at that split moment. I wish her well....this time I really mean it.

Just when I question whether spending alot of money/time in therapy has been helpful- I finally make the right choice. Not the choice that felt right at that moment. But, would feel better in the morning. Go figure.

On the baby front: We have the big 90 minute ultrasound on Monday. I guess it might take longer with twins. Whatever. I think we will be nervous. You never know when the tech leaves the room and returns with the doctor and he says blankly "you have to terminate." Yeah, that your baby has a 1 - 11,000 thousand chance of it's urethra not forming. Oh that blog is for another day....let's just say - who knew that they perform fetal surgery at Children's Hospital in Philly on this rare condition. http://www.chop.edu/consumer/jsp/division/generic.jsp?id=81170

Ultra sounds are a tad bit extra scary for us. I wish I was a devout ______. I wish I had this unshakeable faith in Buddah, Jesus, Conan O'Brien (see nypost.com), Allah....

Away from home

M is away on business trip for a few days. I sometimes like being alone, but after night #2- I am ready for her to return. She was cleared to fly by the doctors. At first I was hoping they would say she had to stay home- but actually it's better if things (like cervix) looks kosher and she can fly. So away she flew.

She called me from her hotel room to say good morning. She is still vomiting. Even in the midwest. I hate to say it, but she might just be one of those women that will be ill up to the point of delivery. Did I say delivery? Sometimes I catch myself being hopeful. It's a strange concept for me.

I was thinking that this blog sucks and no one is reading it. I was thinking I would get fancy and add a pregnancy ticker or floating babies thingy, but is that a jinx? Same concept about looking at cribs, strollers, even a freaking rug. We haven't bought a thing. Maybe I will go nuts and add a ticker....

Reason 103.(a)4 to stay in NYC: I saw the actress Tyne Daly at Whole Foods. She was getting chicken caesar salad out of the awesome salad bar. I wouldn't see that in the burbs.

Birthday present

The babies at 19 weeks. The boy at top and girl following. Actually, in utero apparently, she is on the top floor and he is directly below.

M is going to be at 20 weeks tomorrow. We are starting to think we should get the apartment somewhat ready for the babies. It's bizzare for 2.5 years to be prepared for bad news, sometimes tragic news to now talking about paint, kitchen construction, etc.

I must head off to help her bring over laundry to wash. Oh the Sunday fun.