I cannot sleep

Last night I couldn't sleep. M. kept tossing and turning coupled with the drunken noise makers that love to party in front of our window. Why does every A--hole love to get loaded and scream in this neigborhood at 2 am? I want to drive to wherever they live and scream into their windows. I think I would get shot.

Anway, from 2 am- 4am, I started having a stress attack- How can we raise 2 kids in this crazy world. How are we going be accepted? Where should we move? How can I find a community outside of NYC?

Then today, just when some insecurity was creeping in- I turned on the t.v. and The 2 Coreys were on A&E. WOW. Scary show, scary concept and why the hell do I continue to question myself with this crap in society????? These straight people are nuts. (Although, that Corey Haim has got to be gay).

Rainbow over 9th

The babies are both alive. AND as if that wasn't enough- there was a full rainbow over 9th Avenue this evening. Oh, it's getting scary over here...dare I think happy thoughts?

Friday check check check

I guess the babies are still alive. M was throwing up again this morning as I was leaving (late again) for work. I told her while she was throwing up - that I needed a vacation. She wasn't amused. I called her when I got to the subway and told her I was an ass and I loved her. Luckily she usually doesn't hold a grudge.

Tomorrow morning we are going uptown to see the peri. I hope we get the nice u/s tech. M did not suggest that I can skip the appointment and check out Springsteen at the Today Show. The guy is still hot approaching 60. Maybe I will get up early, get coffee and walk over...I am sure everyone over 38.7 will be there.

Who gives a shit if I miss Bruce- I just hope the kids are okay in there.

The hard part

It's official. I need zanex. I can't keep thinking at any moment that the babies are dead. Last night, M had some spotting. I just knew by the way she got up off the couch and headed to the bathroom that there was an issue. She had some spotting, luckily not accompanied by cramping.

So, I pick up a pregnancy book. It might as well be entitled "Your 35 and over and your kid is chromonsonally defective and no longer in your uterus." What the hell. We turn to another pregnancy book and - spotting is common with multiples. Our doctors told us this already-twice. But, when your last 2.5 years are one long -scare fest- well of course, Armageddon is around the corner.

This morning, we go to East side to see the ob-gyn. She rocks. She does the u/s. Both babies were moving. Alive. She then tells us "the next 16 weeks are going to be the hard part." WAIT...wasn't big city fertility clinic the hard part? Wasn't the cabs, the subways, the crying, schlepping, the lack of vacations and holidays, the blowing off friends and family,the thousands and thousands of dollars, the holistic sessions, the drugs, the learning at the last second- that 1 -50 Irish Americans are tay sachs carriers, the wait, the egg retrievals, the transferring, the betas, the more bleeding, the cvs(s), genetic counseling sessions, the career choices, the staying with crappy managed non-profit- but I sneak out of easier, the losing the other baby, the lighting candles and begging St. Jude- WASN'T that the hard part????

How do I get zanex? I wonder if I can score some outside of Port Authority.

Can I be exhausted even if I am not the pregnant one?

I woke up last night to my darling partner vomitting at 5:00 a.m. I called out if she was okay. I guess I should have gotten my ass up and checked. She vomits day and night. She eats alot too. Oh and sleeps. Today, she actually skipped work. She NEVER skips work.

SO I feel guilty because I am tired. Tired of worrying that at any moment she is going to call panicked that she's bleeding again (turns out it was a clot). Worry can take alot out of a human. We count days to the next u/s to see if they are still alive in there. Oh, I am an irish fatalist type....and that can be emotionally draining.

REASON A1 for loving NYC: Listening to my neighbor sing opera last night.

Reason number 108

Reason number 108 that my partner is making me look at houses in the suburbs today:
That annoying F-ing guy that must park outside our window EVERY DAY and blast his bad rap crap music everyday. Dude- I reallllly don't want to hear the new 50 cent song streaming in my window at an unbelievable base level.

She blinded me with science

I never liked science in school. I had to drop science in undergrad because I couldn't handle the science lab. There was no way I could handle the bunson burners, those goggles, and requisite fetal pig in a jar in the back of the room. I'd much rather look at paintings in the back of a darkened lecture hall or read about World War II.

Who knew that my life now comes all down to science and that call from the geneticist? How much do I appreciate the importance of science and wish I didn't run away from it as a younger chick. Anyway, the scienist called, and our cvs results were kosher. No abnormalities (as of yet) were found. So far, the babies are looking good. So we continue to wait, and pray to god,Buddha,the stars.....

Waiting in Vain?

I came across a stranger's blog. She described herself as a 'mother first and foremost' and that her son was 'her reason for living.' WTF? Does my childless life have no meaning? If my partner does not give birth to a live child this time around- is it all over for me? for us? The scariest thing is sometimes, I think it might be.

The other night, I said to my gf - if something bad happens again we should just drive to JFK and go to France and live. She instantly said yes. We don't know anyone in France, we don't speak French, and we would not be gainfully employed there. I guess the attraction is their fine wine, artisan cheese and shared hatred of Bush.

Last time around we waited and lost - I responded with white wine, red wine, Vermont and some therapy. None of those things fixed the pain of losing our baby in the 2nd trimester.

So we wait. We argue, we stress, we compromise, we cry, we count, and we wait for the phone to ring with our cvs results.