Trees

Glorious 4 days off from work....sort of. My to do list: I have to finish up packing and throwing out my desk; finish assembly of computer hutch; prep nursery for painting; paint; finish helping M pack her office; move boxes somewhere; try to convince M that said boxes should be left in back of car; clean apartment; get M her cinnamon toasted pop tarts; have mini break down when apartment heat reaches over 102degrees; and then apologize for mini-break down.

With alot of work to do, coupled with the fact that M is suppose to be relaxing, we canceled our weekend trip to Vermont. I will miss the trees, snow, and chance to sit in front of a fireplace. We do still have Christmas decorations on the wall- I can check out those trees when desperate. Like now.

M and I registered for a day weekend "intensive workshop" on giving birth to twins. Both days of training 7 hours per day. I hate to sound like an unsupportive partner, but is 14 hours of class room time a bit extensive? Okay, Okay, it's not all about me. I get it.

I was on board with doing alternative sessions while trying IVF. We both attend sessions with the clinic's holistic nurse. And I loved it. The holistic nurse at the clinic is an amazing person and we are still in touch with her. I contribute M's pregnancy in part to our holistic sessions AND the fact that the transfer date was 7-07-07.

A friend called today, and I told her that we aren't having a larger baby shower. She said we were nuts. We are having a smaller baby shower in Philadelphia. I assume M will be cleared to attend. Another doctor visit tomorrow hopefull will result in good, not confusing cervix news.

Scratch That

The doctor said whatever M has been doing for the last 2 days- to keep doing it. Her cervix felt much better and the doctor said it is almost like "it reconstituted itself." Not sure if that is a medical term. One second we are alarmed, and I am googling Nancy Grace (as if that is text book twin delivery) and the next, we are eating thai food- thinking hmmmmmm maybe we shouldn't have told her sister to cancel our baby shower in CT.

darn.

Holding On

It's been a few nutty days, with driving around for Christmas. Connecticut back to NYC over to NJ back to NYC with 2 doctor visits. My lovely partner, however- must slow down.

On Christmas eve we met with the obgyn. Did i mention we love this woman? Anyway, she said that M's cervix is definitely changing. She said it has changed from last week and wants to see M again today for some other blood work. The doctor recommended not traveling too far (that blows the Vermont idea over New years), not lifting anything over a pound, not standing and cooking (she bakes,- doesn't cook, so no prob), and wants to see her every week. Plus M must see the peri each week. We expect to hear that she needs to go on modified best rest at some point.

The doctor said she was concerned. The key is to reaching 30 weeks. M is at 27.5 weeks. 30 weeks???? That is scary...didn't the Court tv anchor, Nancy Grace give birth to one twin that was slightly over 2 pounds?? I must google Nancy Grace in a minute.

Luckily, M hasn't lost her job. She did lose her office a few avenues away. Her company reorganization resulted new work responsibilities: managing fewer people, and having to work from a home office, and we assume less money. Problem is- we in the process of turning over our home office to the babies. So, dining area (cannot call it an actual room) is where she will work.

We can figure out the logistics, all the stuff that seemed important. The important thing is obviously- just holding on.

the office

Can I skip the office holiday party? Please? Someone help me. The combination of hard alcohol, underpaid workers, throw in some jesus, karaoke, management and we have the equivalent of water boarding. But, I guess that's not considered torture.

Catching yourself

The babies are good and M's cervix looks good. "Behavior modification" isn't quite necessary - yet. The woman hasn't had caffeine, or wine in a over a year, so that is alot of modification in my book.

We tried to grab a cab after the appointment. No luck there. We took the extremely slow moving bus down 5th Avenue. It inched down 5th Avenue- for like an hour. Finally, I jumped off the bus to buy a Christmas present. M was happy to see me actually get off the bus and go shopping. I went to Saks to purchase the book "Snow People" for the babies. As the cashier was ringing my purchase, M called me from the bus to tell me to purchase "Snow People" for the babies. Some surprise.

As I was walking home, I started thinking about the non-bio mom issue. I feel like I should have some epiphany. I don't. I do know that when I saw the Rock Center Christmas tree I almost cried. It's strange to catch yourself feeling happy.

Assembly definitely required

Usually, I go to the ob with M. This morning, I skipped. Maybe I am starting to feel assured the babies will live. I guess I shouldn't start getting all baby confident. This morning the doctor tells M that her cervix length seems a bit shorter. She instructed her to back to Mt. Sinai tomorrow to see the peri- just to make sure everything is kosher. The doctor said the babies looked fine, but just to be extra careful. She suggested not traveling too far for the holidays (which we aren't) and that she might have to start some "behavior modification." Uh, okay.

I get extra panicky when M tells me she needs to go back to Mt. Sinai for a follow up. This morning, I reached M on her cell and grilled her after appointment. She wasn't happy with me when I told her she was pushing herself too much. I will definitely leave work early and go uptown tomorrow afternoon.

We spent part of the weekend assembling a large, heavy, piece of furniture. We are trying to make the now existing office a nursery. Even though we are in a same-sex relationship neither one of us is particularly handy fixing things. It took us 10 hours (and counting) to assemble most of the computer hutch. It was a nightmare. A total nightmare. Perhaps, I should be arrested for allowing a 26 week pregnant with twins lady help with assembly.

According to the americanpregnancy.org website I am doing it all wrong. The partner is suppose to be taking her out on dates and giving her a pedicure. The site instructs me to "Make a special attempt this week to make her feel special by taking her on a date or planning a special outing. In Week 25 instructions for pedicures/manicures were given, but you could also schedule an appointment for a day at a spa or a mini-makeover." I am going to hell- I haven't even purchased one Christmas present yet, let alone given the woman a sponge bath or pedicure.

I have one week to fix this and plenty of time to buy a nice present or two.

I guess she is really pregnant

The other night I found M crying at the season finale of "Kid Nation." She claims she was crying because her hormones are out of whack. I'm not sure if I buy that. She cried all last year on Sunday nights watching "Extreme Home-make Over." Sure, I want a kid with cancer and one leg to get a ramp into his new home. Please. But I can't stand that guy screaming into a bull horn - so freaking annoying.

We didn't get a Christmas tree this year. M is like Martha Stewart-lite. For her to agree that we don't have time to decorate in the over-the top fashion is the real Christmas miracle. SO, I conclude she might really be pregnant and give birth.

Skipping work early today, we met up at Union Square to hit the Babies r Us. Apparently, M has this whole plan with a single stroller, snap and go, car seat, eventual double stroller, one car seat that will remain in our car, and I will baby bjorn one of babies. I have no %#@!$ freaking clue what she was talking about. This stuff is way too complicated. Or, I have no patience to figure it out. I better figure out the concept of patience really quickly. Like 2.5 months quickly.

Above is one of the lions in front of the NY Public Library. I snapped it last weekend when I had no patience and left bryant park early- as it was too crowded with shoppers. I believe his name is Patience. It's either patience or fortitude...one of them.

Bombs and non-bio mom bombings

Sad to see the news yesterday of bombings in Algiers. One of the bombs was set off across the street where we stayed and had the workshop. The picture above is of the Constitutional court and was taken from my balcony. It was hit yesterday. I hope the hotel staff is okay....they were all lovely people and were interested in chatting about their country and learning about Americans. We met with people that are trying to move their country forward and away from the grip of religious extremists- and now this crap happens.

Yesterday morning, my colleague was setting dates in the early spring to return to Algiers. She is a tough broad. I like that about her. Screw the terrorists, M would kill me herself if I returned (at least for now). So, I have 2 good excuses for now to be able to say- uh - I cannot attend in Feb or March.

So, fast forward to happy hour with a friend from work. She is a pretty progressive chick and knows M is pregnant. But, then we started chatting about returning to Algeria. I mentioned how our colleague (who has a 7 year old adopted daughter)is looking to return in the Spring. So, the friend at the bar says it might be "easier" for our colleague to return to Algeria because she didn't give birth. Translation: if you adopt you aren't a "real" mother.

S-l-o-w-l-y remove knife from chest. Wow. Do people feel this way? Do I? Am I not going to be the real mother? Is it okay for me to explode because M is giving birth? Ugh ugh ugh. I have so many feelings about this that I haven't fully digested. I feel sad, angry, tired, and above all- worried. Will I spend the next 25 years defending my family and my non-bio mom self? Yikes.

Your tax dollars

I'm not fond of working in a conservative environment. Half the people here are jesus freaks. It's bizarre. Even stranger, is that its deemed appropriate to decorate for Christmas in a public space. The other evening, I was walking out of the building and workers were putting the final touches on the "holiday decorations." The building is decked out with 85 poinsettias and large wreaths wrapped with red ribbons. As I walked out, I commented to the security gurards that the "only thing missing is a glow-in-the dark Jesus." Oh boy. You think I just made-out with Hillary Clinton right then and there. I got a barrage of comments like "oh- you like hillary?" "you one of those liberals??" etc etc. oh the fun final one was- "the problem with liberals and iraq....(you know how this ends - rhymes with we don't support the troops).

My last place of employment could have been listed in "top 10 mismanaged non-profits" but at least- Christ's depiction might have blended/muted by a Menorah or some Kwanzaa stuff or something. Please just fake it a little.

If the babies are okay, and M delivers in late February or early March, we are thinking that I will leave (or quit) my job in June or July. I'd stay at home for a bit with the babies. Not sure how long, depending on house hunting plans, her job situation, or our collective mental health. My lovely partner is a bit jealous she says because I would have the kids to frolic with in the summer. Not sure how that makes a difference. I don't think I can run into the ocean and leave them baking in the hot sun alone. They certainly would be too young to bring to some road side carnaval, hike in the woods, or take turns driving on a road trip. I would need her help to bring them on the block island ferry. Don't think I could do that alone- especially the way M likes to pack. So- really- does it matter if I had them in the summer? I say not.

Above is a photo of a painting that I snapped in Algeria.

love is elastic

Here is a head shot of the boy. The picture was taken Friday. The tech could not get a good shot of the girl. I hope she isn't too shy. M thinks I might be favoring the boy in utero. That would be pretty messed up to start favoring one child over another.

I was the only girl in my family, and I think it got me special attention from my parents. Like the time when I was 11 years old and they took me on a bus tour of Europe and my brothers went to Catholic camp. I think it was Camp Don Basco. Anyway, my brothers awoke to a bugle at 6:00 a.m. and had to promptly attend mass each morning. Some camp that was. Sibling resentment lingered for about 25 years on that one.

Rest assured, my darling M- I will not be touring Paris with the boy while the girl is saying the rosary somewhere.

Cold feet(s)

I'm back from Algiers. It was a fascinating trip. I work for a place that if they saw my blog, and my occasional spewing about George Walker Bush, I would get canned. Or flogged. Whatever. So, I don't write about work....I did attend a conference where French and Arabic was spoken. I speak neither. The interpreter cut out early from the workshop and I sat there clue-less, with plenty of time to think think think.

Oh quick update: M is good and we saw the babies this morning. Both babies are measuring at a normal rate and the girl's umbilical cord issue seems to be resolved. I think they are getting closer to hitting to 2 pounds each? M is starting to waddle...but she looks hot to me.

In Algeria I had too much time to think and started to get cold feet about being a parent. I should be shot for saying that. I know that whatever crappy existence I thought I had - is going to abruptly change. And just when I think I found my true career calling- the foreign service. Damn. No way is that happening now. I don't think I can take the foreign service exam and come home and ask M to please move with the kids to a country where the gays are outlawed. It ain't happening. Oh well....maybe I just like the intrigue or romantic notion of living in an embassy somewhere.

So, I sat in a conference room thinking about how I am careening towards being in a constant state of- sleeplessness, moodiness, sex deprivation, crankiness, and guilt ridden emotions. Do I sound like an ass? I longed to be a mother for about the last 10 years. I spent sleepless nights, tens of thousands of dollars on ivf, sacraficed work, friends, and other important relationships....and now we are close to getting everything we wanted and I get cold feet(s). I should be flogged.

M and I are both stressed as we have zero baby furniture, no doors in our rail-road apartment, no washer/dryer, and the babies room is still an office. We got into a bit of an argument last night because she proposed some furniture choices and I nixed the choices. As she reminded me: she has spent countless hours looking online for a freaking changing table that would fit the strange demension of our non-existent nursery. I think we are going to it custom built. As if we are commissioning a piece-like Michaelangelo's "Pieta" or something. I cannot believe in this town you can't find a furniture store that caters to cramped apartment dwellers. Bizzare.

Reason 304(i)(d) to stay in NYC: Being gay isn't (completely) illegal.

Pictured above is a stuffed camel I purchased for the non-existent nursery.

Leaving on a jet plane- hope I come back again

I am leaving for JFK in like 3 hours. Wondering if it will take me 8 years to get to JFK via taxi....? I think they are lighting the Rock Center Christmas tree. Hope there isn't a rush to see Nick Lachey sing bad holiday songs. WTF? Take him back Jessica!!

Anyway, I am going to North Africa for a week for work. I wish I were like a relief worker, or had a completely saint-like job. I don't. I hate flying and it's not the safest place on the planet. I think Al-Queda bombed back in April 2007. But, I figured, what the hell, the world trade center is only a few miles from here. If ya live in this town, (or near some other target) then every day we can explode.

M was supportive of me leaving. Even pregnant with the boy/girl combo. Actually, she was almost convincing me to go. I don't think she is having an affair (kidding). She probably thinks - hmmmmm while she is away- I can clean the closet (we only have one in our place), throw out crap, and get the existing office ready for the bambinos. It is easier for her to organize when I am not home. I get crazy with stuff thrown all over the place. Like zero tolerance and leave the room. Big help I am. Maybe there is a pill for that.

I am getting a bit weepy about leaving. M actually has a pregnancy glow. Not til I am 80,000 feet up in the sky, the plane makes bad sounds, and my inner panic sets in-do I realize- how much I love earth. How I long to be back in my small apartment with my partner, orange cat, and new additions.

Is it possible to start loving a child(ren) in utero? Or do you think you love the concept, the idea of a family? I have been fighting feeling love at this stage in her pregnancy. I bet I feel it on board the plane tonight.

WWJD

Thanksgiving was fun. Pretty much drama free. M is one of 6 children. One of her sister's is a uh- conservative born again christian. We call her the WWJD sister. I think she has a bracelet that has something about What Would Jesus Do? Anyway, the WWJD sister seems to be somewhat supportive of the pregnancy news. We didn't get hit with any speeches about What would Jesus' do if his sister was a lesbian and wanted a family? No biblical references our way. M did get a congratulations. I am not sure if I heard one.

One of my brother's hasn't told his children yet. I think they might start catching on. They are after all- 13.9, 11, and 6. Don't ya think they watch MTV? Aren't half the shows now about gays? Certainly, there is no music anymore. More about that for another non existent post.

Apparently, I gotta write more. The thing is- I have so much to say. And I don't let it out. M told me the other day- actually, driving up for Thanksgiving that I come off on my blog as -uh distant? Blase about our future children? Truth is- or WWJS (what would jesus say)- I felt pretty lost and dead after baby no. 1 died. Problem is- I feel too much.

Chicken

Oh the holidays. Filled with Turkey, non-stop Christmas music, and family complexities rearing it's head. I hope our babies never forget how close they were physically, perhaps emotionally when they were in utero. I hope they can tell each-other when they have been annoyed,confused, or hurt. And I hope as parents, we can teach them it's okay to be angry and to express it.

In baby news- M. had an ultrasound yesterday. The ob was amused that the girl was kicking the boy and he was kicking her back. Oh- maybe they are already expressing themselves. M. asked her about the umbilical cord issue and the possibility of it getting detached. The doc said not to worry about it too much, it's common, and it being the top twin makes it a bit better.

So, we are thankful this Thanksgiving. I am forever thankful that I have a patient, kind, loving, smart, and loyal partner.

peace.

Money Money Money

Continuing the theme that our babies might actually be born: M and I started to think about daycare options. The thought was that she would stay home for a few months. Few months later, I take unpaid family medical leave for 2-3 months. That WAS the plan.

Who knew that daycare in Manhattan for twins would essentially be my entire pay check? We never thought that we would be here- looking and discussing how to uh- take care of the children and would one of us stay home? Two mommies and each wants to be the stay at home mom. Sounds like a dilemma. Fortunately for me, the birth mom makes more money. I hope she doesn't read this post.

Reason 107 to Leave NYC: Monthly bill for 2 babies at new daycare center opening down the street: 4,000 dollars.

Children and Starbucks

I saw the biggest bitch in Starbucks this morning. What is it about people that think they can treat the big chick behind the counter like an ASSHOLE? Does it make this hot chick feel better about herself to scold the over weight, probably over educated and working in starbucks to pay her RENT? What causes someone to have such contempt because the girl fails to put non-fat milk in your latte? Her biggest crime was using 2 percent. Isn't that basically the same shit anyway?

I want to raise children that are kind to people. Children that do not believe anyone is beneath them. Children that will not yell at some chunky (or skinny) counter girl because they failed to use non-fat milk. I am determined before I croak that our children will be conscious of others and respect their station in life. The best thing about living in a big town- if you care enough to open your eyes- is that you can make a difference in someone's day. A little kindness, Ms. grande, Nonfat, extra hot, latte goes a long way....

4 chambered heart

The Ultrasound went okay. We think. We went to the practice at 9:30 a.m. and didn't leave til noon. We got the eastern european tech- who is difficult to understand, has great hair, and a decent amount of compassion (she remembered us from last year's sad baby situation).

She spent alot of time scanning the babies. We are always relieved to seeing the bladders were normal, and other important things like the 4 chambers of the heart. The tech had a tough time scanning the boy, because the girl was apparently pushing/kicking him. We are in trouble if it's starting this early.

Anyway, the doctor comes back. She scanned and said M's cervix looks awesome. She did say there was a conern that the girl's umbilical cord is hard to picture and there might be an issue of detatchment. Then there was just lots of medical terminology. I did hear her say "its common with twins." I guess the color from my face turned even whiter. She did try to say something reassuring to us. She then walked out.

The tech came over after the doctor left and was very kind. She said she sees it alot with twins and not to worry. She was very reassuring. She told me that I will have years to worry about the babies. It's kind of funny or pathetic that my partner is the one ON the table (and pregnant)is calm and I am the one that has the look of doom. Oh drama queen.

Exes and Allah

Not all lesbians are friends with their ex girlfriends. Walking home last night from dinner with a friend, I saw my ex-gf in front of a bar smoking. I haven't seen her in a few years...it was one of those weird things. You glance over at someone who you spent almost 7 years (she scratched at the itch) and she kinda recognizes you, and you know it's her. I was walking and calling M on my cell phone to check if she had gotten off the plane and was heading home. The old me would have turned around and went into the bar and leave a few (alot) of drinks later. Probably late to meet my partner at the apartment. But-instead- I smiled and walked home. Not sure if she recognized me at that split moment. I wish her well....this time I really mean it.

Just when I question whether spending alot of money/time in therapy has been helpful- I finally make the right choice. Not the choice that felt right at that moment. But, would feel better in the morning. Go figure.

On the baby front: We have the big 90 minute ultrasound on Monday. I guess it might take longer with twins. Whatever. I think we will be nervous. You never know when the tech leaves the room and returns with the doctor and he says blankly "you have to terminate." Yeah, that your baby has a 1 - 11,000 thousand chance of it's urethra not forming. Oh that blog is for another day....let's just say - who knew that they perform fetal surgery at Children's Hospital in Philly on this rare condition. http://www.chop.edu/consumer/jsp/division/generic.jsp?id=81170

Ultra sounds are a tad bit extra scary for us. I wish I was a devout ______. I wish I had this unshakeable faith in Buddah, Jesus, Conan O'Brien (see nypost.com), Allah....

Away from home

M is away on business trip for a few days. I sometimes like being alone, but after night #2- I am ready for her to return. She was cleared to fly by the doctors. At first I was hoping they would say she had to stay home- but actually it's better if things (like cervix) looks kosher and she can fly. So away she flew.

She called me from her hotel room to say good morning. She is still vomiting. Even in the midwest. I hate to say it, but she might just be one of those women that will be ill up to the point of delivery. Did I say delivery? Sometimes I catch myself being hopeful. It's a strange concept for me.

I was thinking that this blog sucks and no one is reading it. I was thinking I would get fancy and add a pregnancy ticker or floating babies thingy, but is that a jinx? Same concept about looking at cribs, strollers, even a freaking rug. We haven't bought a thing. Maybe I will go nuts and add a ticker....

Reason 103.(a)4 to stay in NYC: I saw the actress Tyne Daly at Whole Foods. She was getting chicken caesar salad out of the awesome salad bar. I wouldn't see that in the burbs.

Birthday present

The babies at 19 weeks. The boy at top and girl following. Actually, in utero apparently, she is on the top floor and he is directly below.

M is going to be at 20 weeks tomorrow. We are starting to think we should get the apartment somewhat ready for the babies. It's bizzare for 2.5 years to be prepared for bad news, sometimes tragic news to now talking about paint, kitchen construction, etc.

I must head off to help her bring over laundry to wash. Oh the Sunday fun.

Chhhhhanges

We spent my 40Th birthday in Hooters. I felt like Gloria Steinem would come in any second and rip the chicken wings and beer out of my hand. M was suppose to take me to a nice place. But then she started crying about her new job offer (more about that another time). There was midtown traffic, and crowds so we ran into a Hooters.

We started chatting with the lovely waitress (who is attending Columbia U) that M is pregnant. She got very excited and said if we needed a babysitter she was in. She gave us our first baby gifts ever.

Tomorrow morning we head for another u/s...then off to the Berhshires for more birthday celebration.

While she slept

M went to the ob/gyn on Friday. The doctor said everything looked "great." Wheeew. She will be 18 weeks on Monday. On Fridays she alternates between seeing the peri at Mt. Sinai and the East side ob/gyn. I try to make most of the appointments.

We are still waiting to hear if she will have a job with her company. I believe she will learn the news later this week. As long as the babies are okay- we will be okay.

While M. napped this afternoon, I walked over to see the 2007 Times Square Dog Day Masquerade. The winner was the dog dressed like the Naked Cowboy. While I was walking home, I thought- what the hell would I do in the suburbs while she napped? Go to Target? What the hell am I going to do in the burbs? I imagine we will busy with baby duties.....I hope.

Mommy on the unemployment line

WOW. M (the hopeful birth mother) might be losing her job. As in a corporate managerial job. As in **she makes double my salary job**. This big freaking corporation is reorganizing, or just plain screwing its employees. She would be canned, oooops, I mean downsized around Christmas. M. would get severence pay from Janauary-May. She could still have health insurance for the babies into the Spring. Damn, I guess we ain't moving and buying a house anytime soon. My suburban nightmares are now replaced with terrors of having to push the babies near Rockfeller Center and asking for money (I see people doing that sometimes). It could work.

Questions

It hit me this afternoon at 1:23 p.m. We might be having children. There might be 2 small humans in the apartment this winter. This is big. No, this huge. I telephoned M at work to tell her what I just realized. She told me she couldn't talk (not sure why she picks up the phone-if she cannot speak).

Should I paint their room (which is now an office)? How are we going to fit them into this apartment? Can I swear anymore? Is my sitting in cross- town traffic melt-down no longer appropriate? Should I quit therapy to save money for like college, or diapers? Don't I need a few more weeks in therapy-just to perfect myself (joke).....? Am I going to be a good mother? What the hell do we call ourselves? Isn't the baby's first words going to be "da-da anyway?" Do I try another ivf cycle next year? Do we have the money? Why am I ending every sentence with a question mark. That is annoying.

Morning rant

Why the HELL am I sitting here trying to put together AGAIN my F_____n IKEA dresser? Why does this piece of shit thing fall apart every month? Why am I a 39.9 year old woman hammering a dresser (with a marble crufix- I purchased in Ireland). Shouldn't I own furniture at this age that does not resemble my college dorm???

Am I going to hell for using a cross to hammer a dresser? M. is not here. She left to go buy maternity clothes today. If she were here, she would patiently get out a hammer from the tool box.

Reason 103(a)(2) to hate NYC: My partner having to leave the vicinity to purchase affordable clothes.

Reason 103(c) to love NYC: Amy's Bread.

The kids are alright

The Boy

What a hottie.

The kids are alright

The Girl

I think if you click on the photo it will appear bigger. After all, she is only like 6.5 inches.

Smithereens

Scored Annie Lennox tickets. I wonder if the kids- in utero- will be able to hear her? Hopefully, they will be around in November.

Anyway, Annie rocks. She is one deep, pissed off white lady. AND is still hot at 52. Damn, I gotta give up the vices.

I cannot sleep

Last night I couldn't sleep. M. kept tossing and turning coupled with the drunken noise makers that love to party in front of our window. Why does every A--hole love to get loaded and scream in this neigborhood at 2 am? I want to drive to wherever they live and scream into their windows. I think I would get shot.

Anway, from 2 am- 4am, I started having a stress attack- How can we raise 2 kids in this crazy world. How are we going be accepted? Where should we move? How can I find a community outside of NYC?

Then today, just when some insecurity was creeping in- I turned on the t.v. and The 2 Coreys were on A&E. WOW. Scary show, scary concept and why the hell do I continue to question myself with this crap in society????? These straight people are nuts. (Although, that Corey Haim has got to be gay).

Rainbow over 9th

The babies are both alive. AND as if that wasn't enough- there was a full rainbow over 9th Avenue this evening. Oh, it's getting scary over here...dare I think happy thoughts?

Friday check check check

I guess the babies are still alive. M was throwing up again this morning as I was leaving (late again) for work. I told her while she was throwing up - that I needed a vacation. She wasn't amused. I called her when I got to the subway and told her I was an ass and I loved her. Luckily she usually doesn't hold a grudge.

Tomorrow morning we are going uptown to see the peri. I hope we get the nice u/s tech. M did not suggest that I can skip the appointment and check out Springsteen at the Today Show. The guy is still hot approaching 60. Maybe I will get up early, get coffee and walk over...I am sure everyone over 38.7 will be there.

Who gives a shit if I miss Bruce- I just hope the kids are okay in there.

The hard part

It's official. I need zanex. I can't keep thinking at any moment that the babies are dead. Last night, M had some spotting. I just knew by the way she got up off the couch and headed to the bathroom that there was an issue. She had some spotting, luckily not accompanied by cramping.

So, I pick up a pregnancy book. It might as well be entitled "Your 35 and over and your kid is chromonsonally defective and no longer in your uterus." What the hell. We turn to another pregnancy book and - spotting is common with multiples. Our doctors told us this already-twice. But, when your last 2.5 years are one long -scare fest- well of course, Armageddon is around the corner.

This morning, we go to East side to see the ob-gyn. She rocks. She does the u/s. Both babies were moving. Alive. She then tells us "the next 16 weeks are going to be the hard part." WAIT...wasn't big city fertility clinic the hard part? Wasn't the cabs, the subways, the crying, schlepping, the lack of vacations and holidays, the blowing off friends and family,the thousands and thousands of dollars, the holistic sessions, the drugs, the learning at the last second- that 1 -50 Irish Americans are tay sachs carriers, the wait, the egg retrievals, the transferring, the betas, the more bleeding, the cvs(s), genetic counseling sessions, the career choices, the staying with crappy managed non-profit- but I sneak out of easier, the losing the other baby, the lighting candles and begging St. Jude- WASN'T that the hard part????

How do I get zanex? I wonder if I can score some outside of Port Authority.

Can I be exhausted even if I am not the pregnant one?

I woke up last night to my darling partner vomitting at 5:00 a.m. I called out if she was okay. I guess I should have gotten my ass up and checked. She vomits day and night. She eats alot too. Oh and sleeps. Today, she actually skipped work. She NEVER skips work.

SO I feel guilty because I am tired. Tired of worrying that at any moment she is going to call panicked that she's bleeding again (turns out it was a clot). Worry can take alot out of a human. We count days to the next u/s to see if they are still alive in there. Oh, I am an irish fatalist type....and that can be emotionally draining.

REASON A1 for loving NYC: Listening to my neighbor sing opera last night.

Reason number 108

Reason number 108 that my partner is making me look at houses in the suburbs today:
That annoying F-ing guy that must park outside our window EVERY DAY and blast his bad rap crap music everyday. Dude- I reallllly don't want to hear the new 50 cent song streaming in my window at an unbelievable base level.

She blinded me with science

I never liked science in school. I had to drop science in undergrad because I couldn't handle the science lab. There was no way I could handle the bunson burners, those goggles, and requisite fetal pig in a jar in the back of the room. I'd much rather look at paintings in the back of a darkened lecture hall or read about World War II.

Who knew that my life now comes all down to science and that call from the geneticist? How much do I appreciate the importance of science and wish I didn't run away from it as a younger chick. Anyway, the scienist called, and our cvs results were kosher. No abnormalities (as of yet) were found. So far, the babies are looking good. So we continue to wait, and pray to god,Buddha,the stars.....

Waiting in Vain?

I came across a stranger's blog. She described herself as a 'mother first and foremost' and that her son was 'her reason for living.' WTF? Does my childless life have no meaning? If my partner does not give birth to a live child this time around- is it all over for me? for us? The scariest thing is sometimes, I think it might be.

The other night, I said to my gf - if something bad happens again we should just drive to JFK and go to France and live. She instantly said yes. We don't know anyone in France, we don't speak French, and we would not be gainfully employed there. I guess the attraction is their fine wine, artisan cheese and shared hatred of Bush.

Last time around we waited and lost - I responded with white wine, red wine, Vermont and some therapy. None of those things fixed the pain of losing our baby in the 2nd trimester.

So we wait. We argue, we stress, we compromise, we cry, we count, and we wait for the phone to ring with our cvs results.